Guess I'm Having a Birthday Party, then

I turn thirty-one next week. This fact does not fill me with any great enthusiasm - I've reached an age where birthdays that aren't round numbers don't exactly thrill me. And, tired as I am, there's a big part of me that just wants to spend the day curled up in bed, and forget about the whole thing.

But that's not for happening. Apparently, there's to be a barbeque. My parents have both been quite insistent on that. And my sister. And my sister-in-law. I almost think something's going on, but if they're planning a surprise party they're not exactly doing a great job with half of that description.

So, I suppose I'm having a party. Truth be told, there's a small part of me that almost hopes we'll not get through what we need to do in France this week, and I get told I'll have to stay out there and work the weekend. (Only a very small part though, since this task is really important, and if it comes down to that then things will be really bad.)

Additionally, I know my family are really hoping that I'll join them on their holiday to France in a couple of weeks. Dad keeps 'casually' mentioning it as an option, and I'm not unversed in reading subtext. But, I'm really not going. And not just because the last country in the world I want to go on holiday to this year is France.

I've never been good with gatherings. But, over the past while, I have been finding family gatherings increasingly hard to bear.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family dearly, and I get on well with everyone in it. But...

Aileen thinks I didn't enjoy the trip to France last summer. That's not really true. I enjoyed a great deal of it, and it was especially important to me that that was really the time I got to know my brother's then-fiancee.

But, what was very apparent to me during that holiday, and what has become increasingly apparent at all family gatherings, and what is increasingly hard to face, is that every one of my siblings will now be with someone. In the wider family, every one of my cousins (with one exception, who is considerably younger than the rest) will be with someone. Except me. Always except me.

I'm happy for them. Really, I am. But it's hard to feel lonely, and it's even harder to feel lonely in a crowd. And, if I'm going to have to feel lonely, then I'd rather just be alone. At least then I don't have to pretend.