LC has a group of friends who have (mostly) stuck together since her school days, and each year we get together for a meal in the run up to Christmas. As can be expected, most of the original group were girls (now women, of course), and although there are a few partners now there are still twice as many women as men. Additionally, the families now number six children between them (one 17 year old, and the rest Funsize's age and below), with Surprise! being the only small boy among them.
All of which may seem odd context, but is fairly important to what I'm getting at. So, to recap: there was Surprise!, one teen, and three older men present.
Anyway, as the meal was winding down, I noticed that there came a point where Funsize had rushed off to play with the other girls, and LC was with most of her friends at one of the tables, leaving myself, one of the other men, and Surprise! at a second table. I was on one side of the table, with Surprise! and C on the other.
Anyway, C and I were chatting, and as we did so I gradually noticed that Surprise! was occasionally glancing across at C, and then carefully mirroring him - as C moved his arms or adjusted his posture, Surprise! did the same things.
This very closely matches the experience when he's with his cousins: despite being the youngest of five boys, Surprise! always wants to get involved as best he can in the games, and very much takes his cue from the older, bigger boys. (And, finally, it's worth noting that he fairly idolizes his childminder's son - another older boy.)
It's hardly an epiphany, but: wee guys look up to bigger boys as their guide for how to act.
And that doesn't really change - whether formally or informally, men seek out those they perceive as successful in whatever milieu they want to thrive, try to identify the behaviours that those role models exhibit, and copy those.
That, unfortunately, creates something of a problem, because positive male role models have become rather thin on the ground: our politicians are a fairly unimpressive bunch (not to mention being mired in various scandals along the way), religion has lost almost all its sway (not to mention being mired in various scandals along the way), our civic authorities are viewed with skepticism at best (not to mention being mired in various scandals along the way), and our media and sports stars often seem more interested in the trappings of fame than in providing good examples (not to mention being mired in various scandals along the way).
It's also the case that a great many boys are now being raised by single mothers. (At this point I need to stress that is in no way a criticism or a value judgement; just a statement of fact.) And our education system is run by women, and increasingly for women.
All of which adds up to an awful lot of wee guys having no positive male role models who they can look up to.
And that's why the likes of Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson are so dangerous. Because wee guys will look up to bigger boys as their guide for how to act, and if they have no positive male role models, they will look up to negative ones.
So, what is to be done?
Well, firstly, we men need to up our game. Whether we like it or not, we are the role models for the next generation - there isn't anyone else. So it's important to be aware that at any time, any one of us may find ourselves being observed, looked up to, and copied. You may find that you are the role model, so be a good one.
But society has a part to play as well:
- We need to see an end to the casual misandry that has wormed its way into much of our media - particularly egregious examples are the blithering idiot that is Daddy Pig and the oh-so-funny 'jokes' in Doctor Who. The mainstream media no longer make equivalent jokes about women, and that's a good thing; they need to stop the reverse.
- And I'm afraid there's a degree of casual misandry in our education system at all. A few months ago, I was fairly horrified to see our local university holding a 'debate' with the topic "We submit that masculinity is inherently toxic". Again, reverse the sexes and there would have been outrage; it absolutely would not have been allowed. This needs to stop. (Indeed, if I never again hear the word 'toxic' being used in reference to people, it would be too soon.)
- We need to stop viewing initiatives and groups aimed at men, and even those aimed exclusively at men with suspicion - very often, the moment any such group or initiative is started it is immediately the subject of a pile-on from accusations of misogyny, or demands that it be 'inclusive'. But women-only groups are accepted and celebrated.
- Perhaps most important of all: we need to stop demanding perfection from role models. I've spoken about this before, in the context of politics - absolutely nobody is perfect, so if you tear down and drive out any largely-positive-but-flawed role model for falling short of perfection, the alternative isn't perfect exemplars; it's the ones who you can't tear down, whether because they're too powerful, too entrenched, or they just don't care. In politics if you can't tolerate Tim Farron the alternative isn't a better Tim Farron, it's Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage. In role models, if you're going to tear down anyone who is less than perfect, you'll be left with Andrew Tate.
- Much as I have agreeing with Tory blowhard politicians, the ones who periodically lobby for a Minister for Men and Boys are right - the specific problems of boys falling into addiction and crime, of them taking their own lives, and of them falling under the sway of the Tates and Petersons of this world probably need a dedicated person in government to focus on them.
Why does all this matter?
Society has long taken the view that there is such a thing as "male privilege" - that women have been disadvantaged in society simply by virtue of their sex while men are not. And there's historically a great deal of truth in that. But it is emphatically not true for the current generation of young men and boys, who are struggling in a great many ways. If the goal is equality, there is a great deal to be done - and not all of it in the direction that you'd expect.
But maybe you don't care. Maybe you're of the view that men had it all their own way for centuries, and now it's time for payback.
Okay, fair enough. But consider this: none of those young men and boys who are struggling is entirely isolated. Every one of us is connected to a web of other people: families, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, 50% of whom are women and girls.
So when a boy goes off the rails and spirals into the manosphere and misogyny, the women and girls around them suffer. When a boy is driven to despair and falls into addiction or suicide, the women and girls around them suffer.
The bottom line is that if we fix the problems being faced by the current generation of young men and boys (and, yes, the problems being faced by the current generation of young women and girls - I'm not blind to these; they're just not my topic for today), then we all of us benefit, and all of us will be the happier for it.
Which should be obvious, but presumably isn't.
