Single Bloke's Rules for the Weekly Shop

1) Like any other activity you engage in, the weekly grocery shop is a competitive sport, and should be considered as such. However, as in cricket, the scoring system is arcane and understood by few. Note that bowling spherical fruit in an underarm manner is considered bad form, and may lead to disqualification. Note further that, although one may get oranges at half-time, it is not acceptable to eat the oranges until after the final whistle.

2) Regardless of how much is purchased, or how near or far the car is from the house, all purchases must be carried to the house in a single trip, or a hefty points penalty is applied. This applies even if doing so makes it impossible to actually squeeze the purchases through the door.

3) Jedi mind-tricks are acceptable. Therefore, it is considered acceptable to ask for help, provided one adopts a somewhat mystical, far-off look, wave one's hand around in a Jedi-ish fashion, and say, "To the pickles you will take me, hmm?" Note that Hutts and Toydarians are immune to Jedi mind-tricks. Note also that children, although especially vulnerable to the use of the Force, are prone to growing up to become Dark Lords of the Sith, and are therefore best avoided.

4) Additional points are gained for clever stunts performed while in control of a trolley. However, if the trolley develops the "wonky wheel" defect during the execution of a stunt, no points shall be awarded for the stunt.

5) It is considered a mark of gentlemanly conduct to adopt a slightly baffled look, and ask an attractive member of the opposite sex's opinion on which brand of a product is best. This shows deference to their mastery of the field. The use of this tactic with regard to cleaning products is especially risky, but if achieved without being slapped brings the kudos of one's peers. Additional points may also be awarded if a second opinion is successfully solicited about the same type of product. One final warning: if the dreaded SO is present, it is considered unnecessary to ask for assistance. The SO will perform this duty, and is liable to be angered by your usurpation of his role.

6) Except as outlines in the above rules, it is not acceptable to speak to anyone in the store, excepting to answer direct questions. In this circumstance, answers should be kept as short as possible, with monosyllables being preferred. The use of 'please' and 'thank you' are considered Jedi mind-tricks, and so are always sanctioned.

7) When passing an aisle containing a 'special offer', it is necessary to take advantage of the offer, regardless of how much of the item, or indeed whether or not you even like marzipan-flavoured Penguins.

8) If someone 'phones you while in the store, it is acceptable to state that you are doing the weekly shop. However, if then asked what you are getting, it is necessary to list only items with a single syllable, such as beer and meat. Cheese is considered acceptable. An exception is made for Irn Bru; however, an exception is also made for soap, in that it may not be named. Bonus points are gained if none of the items listed are actually in the trolley at the time of asking. Finally, if the person calling is female (or a cat), it is considered acceptable to state that you are buying 'a big ball of string'.