Some questions answered

It being Wednesday, I thought I would take this opportunity to answer a few questions I haven't been asked lately. It may be informative, or perhaps not.

So, where are the frogs?

Currently, under my bed.

Huh?

Nope, I'm not going to explain that further at this time.

Oh, okay. What is it you do for a living, exactly?

I work in a secret government complex, where we are breeding a mutant strain of ambulatory cactii, which we then intend to train in desert warfare. I am, of course, not permitted to talk about the nature of my work. For that reason, of course, every statement in this paragraph is a lie.

Ah! Isn't that a paradox?

Actually, no. It's just a lie.

That doesn't make any sense.

I know. But that's not a question.

Fair enough. What's with the cactii?

Well, I actually do have a cactus, now called Jeremy, that really does sit on one of my shelves between Optimus Prime and Darth Tater. Other than that, there's nothing much about cactii. Chine Mieville featured a race of cactus-men in his Bas-Lag novels, and they were pretty cool, but that's about it.

And what's with the frogs?

Well, that's a long and odd story. When I was about ten, my parents decided it would be a good idea to start calling me 'Frog'. Quite why they did this is a mystery - my parents are entirely crazy. As a monument to this new and exciting form of cruelty they had elected to inflict on me, my mother and grandmother then proceeded to buy me about a dozen frogs of various sizes, shapes and constructions for each and every birthday, Christmas, and other occasion in the meantime. (Huh. Turns out I did explain the 'under my bed' comment. Oh, well.)

I did buy one item of frog-themed memorabilia, which is a green t-shirt with lots of brightly coloured frogs on it, which I wear when I really want to freak people out. I got it in Arkansas (but not from a strip club), and knew when I saw it that if I didn't buy it I would forever regret the decision. The second most interesting thing about this t-shirt is that it is 'Large', which is the same size as all my other t-shirts, yet comparing it with the others, and especially with the 'Large' t-shirt I got from the Asterix Park in France shows a quite remarkable difference in size.