My food nemeses

Like most people, I have certain foods that I just don't eat. However, where most people might be content to simply avoid those foods when they are present on the menu (some might say "sensible people"), I have elected instead to consider just why I don't like those foods, what has caused this dread aversion, and under what circumstances I might relent and declare a brief truce, however tenuous.

And so, since I don't have anything better to talk about, here is the rogue's gallery of my food nemeses.

1) Fish. Ah, fish, the destroyer of worlds. My oldest and most feared adversary.
What is it about fish I don't like? Is it the inherently slippery nature of all those things that dwell under the sea? Or perhaps it could be the inherent contradiction in fish claiming to be 'brain food', while we all know goldfish have such short memories.

Mostly, I think it has to do with those awful fish fingers we got served as children, along with the adamant rule that we absolutely had to clean our plates. Or perhaps the battered fish we were served (from back in the day when frozen fish was of extremely low quality). Or perhaps the fish cakes...

The bottom line is that forcing children to eat foods that they really don't want to eat is not really the way to instill a life-long respect for those foodstuffs. Still, it could be worse - I never resorted to hiding the fish in the shoes on the shoe-rack while nobody was looking.

(Oh, also, I've eaten fish more often in 2008 than in any year since I was about twelve. So there.)

2) Eggs.

Now, eggs are a fine food, the staple of many a meal. Boiled, fried, poached, scrambled. Yum yum. But not for me, thanks. I eat them if they're baked into something (a nice cake perhaps), or if they are otherwise used in cooking, but as food in and of themselves? No.

Although I did eat a poached egg for breakfast on Saturday. Along with some sausage, bacon, haggis, beans and toast. Oh, and mushroom and tomato. Frankly, while it was okay, it remained the weakest link in that particular chain.

3) Butter. Or, actually, margarine. Whatever - that yellow stuff you spread on your sandwiches.

Now this one I know exactly why my aversion to the stuff started, and it all happened because of the aforementioned sandwiches. See, somewhere along the line, Mum became more than a little over-enthusiastic with the spreading of margarine on the bread, which meant that instead of having cold meat sandwiches (as I think they were), we ended up having MARGARINE sandwches with just a hint of meat.

And so began a long-standing tradition - I don't have butter/margarine in my sandwiches. Ever. Unless someone else has prepared them and has happened to put some on, but that happens less and less these days.

4) Gravy.

I'm afraid that this is another one of Mum's (or maybe Dad's). As I see it, sauces should really be something that you have to complement the taste of whatever you're eating at the time. And, in particular, gravy should probably be something like you see in the adverts for the stuff - distinctly runny, and generally pleasant.

Aaah, Bisto!

Curiously, the gravy at last night's dinner was almost exactly like that, a property for which Mum apologised. Apparently, in my parents' house we prefer our gravy to be a meal in itself. They do, after all, provide knives with which to cut it.

5) Parsnips.

If ever there were to be a cartoon featuring talking vegetables and their adventures in an animated world, parsnips would clearly be cast as a villain of the piece. Fortunately, nobody would be mad enough to make a show like that, so it seems Bob and Larry are probably safe for the time being.

Still, this leaves the menace of the dread parsnip active in the real world, where people still dare to inflict this grave indignity on us in the form of "Parsnip Surprise", "Roast Lamb with Parsnips", or even without even such fair warnings. And they look so innocent, too - like innocent albino carrots. But don't be fooled, for within that innocent exterior beats a heart of blackest night.

They must be stopped!

6) SPAM and Corned Beef.

Oddly enough, I forgot this one in my first draft, which is amusing since unlike all my other food nemeses, this entry actually has some sense behind it, and is just me complaining about foods I don't like. I'm not sure quite what it is, but there's something in the packing material used in these canned products that I have a bad reaction to. They gie me the boak.

Plus, there's the whole viking angle with SPAM to worry about, but that's frankly a lesser concern these days.

And so, there they are: my food nemeses. I think it's a good list.