Unfortunate Timing

I didn't have a good weekend. There was a sweary rant on Friday (aimed at me by some random bloke), then a bout of feeling not at all well on Saturday.

Then, on Sunday I woke up to find my PC dead. It was showing the infamous Blue Screen of Death (itself unusual in post-XP versions of Windows), and when rebooted it just didn't come back at all - the screen was lit but blank.

This precipitated something of a panic. Although I had been planning to replace the PC at the end of the month anyway, I had hoped to have it up and active for the upgrade. And although I was in the habit of regular backups, for reasons unknown Vista decided that this would stop working late in January. Provided the last backup was still good, I wouldn't have lost much, but you're never 100% sure...

There is good news on that front, at least: I got a suitable hard disk enclosure, and have verified that the HD on the laptop was not the cause of the problem (I suspect the display driver), so everything remains intact - I just have to copy it across.

So, what this really means is that my plan to get a new PC had to be brought forward by a few weeks, and also conducted with rather more dispatch than was intended. (Even that may be a good thing, since it means I need a good PC now, rather than having the luxury of waiting for the perfect PC. And since "the perfect PC" is a mythical beast, that saves me what could be a long process of deliberation.)

Of course, the other part of upgrading a PC is the process of setting it up for use, which in this case will mean getting used to the new OS layout, sorting out which settings can be set back to a classic mode and which cannot, and also installing the required software on the new machine. To an extent, even that's a blessing, since it automatically means getting back to a reasonably clean slate - I can install only those handful of applications I actually use, and leave the rest behind.

(I'm intending also to take this opportunity to upgrade the handful of applications I do use to their latest versions. Which means a bit more expense, and a bit more of a lead-time, but this is the best time to do that - otherwise, I'd be installing the old versions only to remove and replace them later.)

So, anyway, that's where we are on the PC front.

#18: "Pathfinder: Empty Graves", by Crystal Frasier

Climate Change

So, yesterday my grandfather asked me how I thought the 'pollution' issue would be dealt with (by which he meant the emissions causing climate change). Of course, being my grandfather he proceeded to tell me the answer, but that wasn't expected. Still, it's worth thinking about.

Firstly, I should note that I am almost but not absolutely convinced that man-made climate change is a reality and is a very serious issue. Though I'm not sure that that "man-made" bit is all that important - the climate is definitely changing, and it definitely does seem to be a bad thing. So, whether we're responsible or not, we probably want to think what we're going to do about it.

Where I differ from the consensus is in this, though: if your answer is any variation on "we all need to cut emissions", I think you can forget it - we've lost already.

The reality of the situation is that China and India will not meaningfully cut emissions until they've overtaken the US as the biggest economies. And the US will not do anything that risks them being overtaken. (And, if one or both do overtake the US, you can be sure the US will do whatever it takes to catch back up.)

I'm pretty much certain that that is the reality of it - people can propose whatever measures they want, they can paint as apocalyptic a scenario as they wish (and they may well be right), but there is no prospect of the US, India, or China meaningfully reducing emissions. Sorry.

Of course, if those three, the three biggest players in the field, won't meaningfully take action, then there's little point in the rest of us doing so - we could cut our emissions to zero and it still wouldn't be enough.

The consequence of this is that this topic is one of very few where I think George W. Bush actually got it right: the solution to this problem will lie in new technologies - either we find ways to adapt to the changed environment, or we develop some sort of atmospheric scrubber to eliminate our emissions, or we reseed the oceans with algae to do essentially the same thing, or, well, something.

Update on Goals

Somehow, I managed to badly mis-count the number of days, posting my "50 day" update on the fortieth day of the year. Oops. I therefore decided to compensate by posting my "100 day" update late. Because that's sensible. It's nothing to do with just not having time, oh no...

Anyway, time for an update. So:

• Weight: Oh dear. My trip to Ireland (more on this later) followed by my trip down South has played havoc with this one. So, we're back where we started.
• Work: This one has been very mixed. I don't want to say much more (what with my whole "no work talk" policy), but things went wrong a bit in Feb and March, but went very well in the first half of April. So, that's looking pretty good.
• Books: I'm a bit behind, due to the "Wheel of Time". But it's not too bad - I hope to be at 18ish by the end of the month, and get caught up in May or June.
• Games: This has gone horribly wrong. I'll be wrapping up "Imperial Fist" in the next few sessions, and may well cancel one of the two remaining one-shots. I'm just not enthused by the notion of running games at the moment. On the other hand, the player-side games have gone very well, so I'll easily make that part of the target.
• Maintenance: This proved to be an ordeal, but is now mostly done. I want to have another (third) go at the bathroom ceiling, and the carpets still need done, but otherwise things are okay.
• Computer: This is deferred until my annual bonus comes through, which should hopefully be either this month or next. So, with a bit of luck my next 'update' will be written on a new PC.
• Money: This is basically done - everything that remains is now automated, so will complete by itself. Huzzah!

And that's where we are 100 days into 2014. My hope is that the next update will see the 'weight' and 'books' goals back on track, the 'maintenance' and 'computer' goals done, and everything else well in hand. I'm not sure how realistic that really is.

Scarves, Jelly Babies, and a Robot Dog!

So, April is the month of the Fourth Doctor, the longest-serving incarnation of the Time Lord, and consistently the one voted the best. Tom Baker is also the first Doctor I remember, although I'm a little confused by that - he regenerated out of the post in 1981, which was back when I was all of five. Which means either they are my oldest memories, or I saw some repeats later that has slipped into place into my memory, or perhaps my mind is just inventing things to fill in some gaps? It's a mystery.

This month's short story is "The Roots of Evil", by Philip Reeve, and it's very good - easily the best of the four to date. It features the Doctor arriving in a living space station, part of a terraforming device, where the inhabitants promptly capture him and prepare him for execution for his great misdeeds in the past. The only problem is that he can't remember any such misdeeds, for a reason that becomes obvious when it is mentioned that his face isn't as the ancients depicted...

Anyway, the story is pretty simple from there, with the revelation being largely expected (although there's one question I'm not going to answer... Who?). But it's quite amusing, especially the Doctor's line about gravel pits, and also his reaction to his future self's wardrobe choices. I'm very glad to be able to recommend this one, as the anthology had been a bit weak to date.

The novel is "Festival of Death" by Jonathan Norris. This one features Romana (II, I think), K-9, and the Doctor. And, again, the story nicely captures this Doctor's quirks - he notes that he's usually captured and put in a cell some time in the first 22 minutes after arriving in a new place, he runs out of Jelly Babies (horror!), and on and so forth.

Curiously, this one also has a complex, timey-wimey plot, featuring the Doctor crossing over his own time-stream (although, this time, only this same incarnation). It takes a bit of unpicking, which is no bad thing. There is one thing that I don't think quite works, but that's not bad for such a complex storyline.

And, in both cases, it definitely felt like a Fourth Doctor story - in the same way that the Third Doctor stories captured the distinctive 'voice' of their incarnation, so too did this one capture Baker's unique mannerisms. So, yay!

Next month is the month of 'my' Doctor. I definitely watched "The Five Doctors" live, and remember distinctly the excitement around the regeneration to the Sixth, so this is most definitely where I came in. But the big question is: does my Doctor still hold up?

Give you joy of your flag, Jack

Having finished the "Wheel of Time", my next book was "Blue at the Mizzen", the last complete Aubrey/Maturin novel by Patrick O'Brian. (There is one more, incomplete, book which I shall read next month, but there's very little to that.) And so, twenty months after it began, my adventure on Jack's ocean comes to an end.

The series began at a nice, clean threshold - Lieutenant Jack Aubrey is promoted to "Master and Commander", and thus given his first command. In the first chapter he also makes the acquaintance of a fellow music-lover, an Irish doctor named Maturin. And so it begins.

The series then follows the ups and downs of these two fast friends across the years, as they serve in Britain's wars against Napoleon's France, against the US in the War of 1812, and, in the last volume, in the post-war period after Waterloo.

And they're great. It's hard to encapsulate just how great the series is - the movie is good enough in itself (and was the reason I read the series), but it pales before the novels - with both the extremely-human protagonists, their friendship, their fallings-out, their strengths, and their weaknesses; the depiction of the world that is at once very different from ours, and yet utterly relatable; and, of course, the simple adventure of it all.

And then, the series ends at a nice, clean threshold - Commodore Jack Aubrey is promoted to "Rear Admiral of the Blue Squadron", the culmination of his career, and the fulfilment of the ambition he had expressed right in the first book. It's almost perfect in its symmetry.

I can't recommend the series enough.

There's just one problem: I'm done now. So, what now?

Experimental Cookery 2014: Stewed Venison with Juniper and Bay

A colleague of Lady Chocolat was good enough to give us some venison recently. This was much appreciated, but did leave a little quandary as I had no idea how to cook it. Fortunately, Hugh came to the rescue with a recipe from "River Cottage Every Day".

The preparation was all rather easy - brown the meat, chop the veg, bring to a low simmer, and wait. We paired the stew with some mashed potatoes.

The end result was... okay. The venison was nice enough, but the stew itself was very watery. We'd had an issue with the quantities, as there wasn't as much venison as the recipe really demanded, while the cooking time was unchanged and so required plenty of liquid. This was fine, but I suspect affected the flavour quite badly. So the whole thing just didn't quite work. A shame.

Would we have this again? I think the answer is a hesitant "yes" - but only if we could rebalance the quantities of ingredients, meaning more venison for the pot. Without that, I don't think the whole will really work.

#14: "Blue at the Mizzen", by Patrick O'Brian
#15: "Festival of Death", by Jonathan Morris
#16: "Skinwalkers", by Wendy N. Wagner

And so, it ends...

This afternoon I finally finished "A Memory of Light", the final book in "The Wheel of Time". It was a fitting end, I suppose, but I stick with my earlier recommendation: if you haven't yet started the series, don't - it's just not worth wading through volumes 8-11 to get back to the 'good' stuff.

The series is also really not helped by the fact that fantasy works have just moved on since it began. "Game of Thrones" has really mixed things up, and so the tolerance for a mega-happy ending is fairly limited. And yet, that's pretty much what we got.

Still... It's done now. Finally, it is done. Now, if only George R.R. Martin can be convinced to finish up "Game of Thrones" in a timely manner, and if J.V. Jones will ever publish the last volume of "Sword of Shadows", that would be just dandy.

And next time I consider embarking on another long-winded fantasy epic, could someone please remind me to check that the final volume is out before I start?

#13: "A Memory of Light", by Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson

Exactly for This Sort of Thing

So, today I suffered another Great Yoghurt Crisis. It's been a while since I had one, so such a traumatic and significant event demanded a blog post.

As you know, I always have two yoghurts a day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. So, the time came to have this morning's yoghurt, I opened my lunch-box to rescue the requisite spoon and, to my horror, I found no spoon waiting! Of course, it goes without saying that this is the worst thing that has ever happened.

(And, obviously, this sort of thing would simply never happen in the independent state of Stevonia which, being a land flowing with milk and honey, would necessarily maintain an adequate supply of spoons at all times.)

Fortunately, my horror at this terrible oversight was short-lived, for I quickly realised that my desk drawer actually contains a pack of plastic spoons, a supply laid up for exactly this sort of emergency. So I had yoghurt after all.

Truly, today is a blessed day.

"No" Show

Okay, now I'm getting scared.

Some time during last weekend, I realised that I'd stopped thinking about what would happen if Scotland became independent, and instead was thinking about what would happen when Scotland becomes independent.

This was something of a surprise. Previously, I'd made the calculation that there was no chance of "Yes" winning, because there were some really big uncertainties, some of them that are completely unanswerable, and without these being answered it was impossible for "Yes" to make a winning case. (The big unanswerables being over the currency and also over the EU. The latter being something that nobody is able to definitively answer - there's no precedent and no clear process either way.)

But something happened a couple of months back, and it appears the wheels have just fallen off the "No" bus.

It started when George Osborne popped up to tell us, in no uncertain terms, that there absolutely, positively, would not be a currency union. And, of course, he was backed in this by Ed Balls and Danny Alexander. So, that's pretty definitive then, since all three parties were unanimous.

Then Mr Barroso popped up to tell us, in no uncertain terms, that Scotland would be out of the EU and would find it "very difficult" to get back in. Then David Cameron got involved, Gordon Brown, Ming Campbell...

And with every statement, support for "Yes" grew, and quite sharply. Suddenly, a 70/30 split is looking more like a 55/45 split. If the polls continue to narrow at the same rate, they will, of course, cross over.

In August.

What was really bizarre, though, was watching this unfold. I have never seen professional politicians act so spectacularly against their own stated interests. Someone should have advised George Osborne that anything he said would have the opposite effect to that intended - in his case, it's not the message that's the problem, it's the messenger.

And, actually, that's a big problem for the "No" campaign - there's nobody who can present the message. The Tories have very effectively (albeit very unfairly) pushed all the blame for the economy only to Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling, meaning anything else they say is automatically suspect. Meanwhile, the Tories are themselves hated up here (and the Lib Dems worse), so they're out. Which means that the strongest remaining figure on the "No" side is Johann Lamont.

But worse was to come, because on Friday the Guardian (who cannot, by any stretch, be described as pro-independence) published a government minister saying that a currency union was indeed still an option. (That this was the case wasn't a surprise, since a union is "eminently sensible" according to one A. Darling. What was a shock was that someone would be silly enough to say it, at least this side of the referendum.) Apparently, George Osborne had been doing to stick with his, rather more sensible, line that it was very unlikely, but was advised (by one A. Darling) to rule it out in a bid to kill off the independence debate permanently.

Oops.

It is, frankly, hard to see how they could have screwed this up any worse. And now they're left with an utter shambles to try to clear up, a lot of blamestorming to do... and a campaign that suddenly looks like it's going to snatch defeat from, well, not even "the jaws of victory" - they seem intent on losing from an unassailable position.

Which brings us to Saturday.

The band were out fund-raising on Saturday in Falkirk town centre (which went well, but that's not the point right now). Prior to us going out, one of my concerns is that Saturday was intended to be one of the "big push" weekends for both the "Yes" and "No" campaigns - and this was a concern because our band is constitutionally politically neutral. Regardless of any views I, our pipe major, or anyone else might have, we don't get involved.

Of course, a pipe band in a town centre in the midst of a campaign about an independent Scotland (or not) is a mobile photo-op. And I really didn't want to have to measure out an equi-distant location between the two camps.

It turns out that I didn't need to worry, at least not about that - the "No" camp didn't show up.

What really bothers me about all this, though, is that there is no case for the Union being made. "Better Together" is a shambles, Scottish Labour are an embarrassment, and there's no grass-roots campaign in evidence. On one hand we have a bright, optimistic, vibrant "Yes" campaign; on the other, we have... nothing.

I kinda feel I should be happier about this than I am. I decided to vote "Yes" quite some time ago. (And, again, it's nothing to do with England; unfortunately, the government in Westminster is not fit for purpose and I see no way to fix it.) So, shouldn't I be happy that it suddenly looks like we might win?

But the reason I'm not so happy is this: this is the single most important political decision the people in Scotland will ever have to make. Yes or No, it is a question of vital importance that will affect the rest of our lives, the lives of our children, and the lives of generations to come. It will probably never come again.

So the case needs to be made. Actually, both cases need to be made. The "Yes" campaign are doing that. The "No" campaign are utterly failing; they're failing not just to win the argument; they're failing even to make the argument.

The great philosopher of our times, Homer J. Simpson, once said that "de fault" are the two sweetest words in the English language. On this topic, at least, he's wrong. I do genuinely feel Scotland would be better off away from Westminster, but the last thing I want is for Scotland to choose that because nobody spoke for the alternative. That's seeming like a real possibility now, and that's what scares me.

#12: "Pathfinder: the Half-dead City", by Jim Groves

(I'm still about halfway through the last volume of the "Wheel of Time", so it may be a while before I list another book.)

300: Rise of an Empire

File this one under "I watch it so you don't have to." I've seen worse films, but I'm really not sure when; it even gives "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" a run for its money. (Though, actually, now I think about it - "A Good Day to Die Hard" is worse.)

(One thing that does amuse me, though, is the title. It's called "Rise of an Empire", presumably referring to the Persian Empire... but that's an empire that is defeated in the film, and also an empire that has already passed its peak before the start of the film. Definitely a carefully chosen title there!)

(On the arithmetic front, we're now down to one outstanding item - I got LC's car back this morning, so all that remains is to get the carpets cleaned. Which I'll be leaving until my holiday next month, I think.)

A Delicious Crisis

As I said, I made bread again this weekend, which apart from one small problem was absolutely great. In particular, I've had it as the basis for my sandwiches the last two days. This led to the realisation that this bread was so much nicer than the stuff we buy from Tesco that it really doesn't bear comparison. I mean, the stuff we get is okay, but it's a bit insipid. Especially since we're now back on the white bread, which is even less characterful than the brown.

Still, I consoled myself with the notion that store-bought bread is cheaper than homemade. After all, it's £1 (ish) for a loaf of halfway-decent bread, whereas you need to buy flour (£1.50 for 3 loaves), and yeast (£1 for 6 loaves), and salt and oil (negligible), and a bag of mixed seeds (not sure how much, but they're optional anyway)... which all works out at...

Oh dear.

(In fairness, the homemade loaves are a bit smaller than store-bought, and we also don't currently have a good was to slice them thinly, so it would probably work out about the same.)

Problem is that I really don't have time to make bread three times a week, or once a week, or even more than once in a while.

So now I am sad.

Still, on the other hand, it makes for a good reason to bake bread more often, and that in turn justifies experimenting a bit more.

Over-proved

It was a weekend of bread and bread products.

On Friday, I cooked up a rather nice lamp Rogan Josh (which I'm sure wasn't at all authentic, but was good all the same). And, to go with it, I did nann bread for the third time. Which, again, was rather nice. Sadly, I burned my finger, but not too badly. Success!

Then on Sunday morning I made another brown loaf, that having been my most successful bread to-date, and because I now have a brand new loaf tin that I wanted to try out.

The result of this one was also very good, with one caveat. As one of my cunning plans, I did the trick with the baking paper to help lifting the loaf out of the tin. This worked great, right up until I found the paper had stuck to the bottom of the loaf. Oops. Still, it was a really nice loaf, be it dipped in soup, eaten as toast, and indeed as my sandwich for lunch today. And, best of all, I think there's probably enough left for tomorrow's sandwich also. Huzzah!

And then, yesterday afternoon, I made up a batch of calzone. These are a bit of a hassle, taking several hours start-to-finish (but part of that is just the proving steps, when you can do other things, of course). And, given that we were going out to my parents' house for dinner, time did not really permit. So, I took the calzone as far as the second proving step and then left them until we got back.

Sadly, this turned out to be a mistake - the fillling (which is great) soaked through the dough, and the whole mess was over-proved. The net effect is that the calzone are more like a pie with a pizza-base topping. Which I'm sure will be very nice, but wasn't quite what I'd intended. Honestly, I expected Paul Hollywood to pop in at any moment to harrangue me for over-proving the dough.

Still, I can't really complain. The calzone may not be perfect, but they'll still provide LC and I the better part of six meals each, which is a significant win.

And that was basically my weekend. I think I'm happy to call that a success.

(Two. The kitchen light took me about half an hour to replace, and is now considerably better than it ever was before. LC's car is going for its service and MOT tomorrow, and then there will just be the carpets to get done. I don't think I'll bother with any further updates unless and until something significant changes.)

(Also, it may be a while before I add another book to my reading list - the current one is the last volume of the "Wheel of Time", which is taking a while.)

The Musketeers vs Feminism

"The Musketeers" is a pretty terrible show, what with its desecration of classic literature, its attempt to be all 'adult' and 'racy' (and, worse, it's abject failure to do so), and its evident desire to be something else. I sometimes wonder if they knew while filming it that they were producing a terrible show, or if they really thought they were making something good and it has just gone horribly wrong?

This week's episode was a case in point. On the face of it, it may have seemed a good idea - it had all the elements needed: a seeming attack on the King, the Musketeers investigating a politically-dangerous woman, intrigue, and assassination attempt, Athos falling in love... There was even an opportunity to make a social point about the education of women, ticking the BBC's political correctness card. Huzzah!

But it sucked, because the needs of the political correctness card meant that it had to play out a certain way: the "politically-dangerous woman" had to be idealistic but, ultimately, innocent of any wrong-doing. Yet, despite being a "strong, powerful woman", she had to run into trouble and need the noble Hero (Athos) to rescue her.

And that point about "education of women" ultimately had no impact, because all that could be done is for the makers to preach at us: in the UK, it's not a question whether women should be educated or not. Indeed, merely considering it makes me feel dumb: of course women should be educated. I get that that's not a universally-accepted conclusion around the world, and that's really unfortunate (and needs changed), but a light-entertainment programme from the UK (especially a bad one) isn't going to change that.

Now, if they'd really wanted to do something edgy on the topic, how about a single, simple change: instead of our feminist educator being an innocent unjustly accused of witchcraft, how about making her a true radical - her agenda is not merely the education of women (again, a Good Thing), but to go beyond that: the abolition of the monarchy, and the removal of the patriarchal church from power in the land. (And before you say 'anachronism', let me just note that "The Musketeers" doesn't have even the faintest claim to historical accuracy, or indeed accuracy of any sort.)

That way, you have a much more ambiguous story. In "The Musketeers", the King, despite being an ill-tempered teenager, actually isn't a terribly bad sort. The Queen, certainly, doesn't deserve the sort of treatment that a revolution would bring. And even Richelieu is a rather ambiguous figure in many respects - sure, he's the bad guy, but he's also clearly shown to be Good For France. Making that change would also mess with our Heroes' abilities to pick a side, since they are sworn agents of the very power structure she then opposes, and Aramis is (nominally at least) still destined for the church, while Athos and Porthos could go either way. That's actually got some interest built in.

But, alas, no. Instead, we get this oh-so-terrible bogeywoman thrown up (Oh, horrors! Women might become educated!!!), then some running around, and then (surprise!) it turns out that the feminist is right all along. Well, yes, she is. I didn't need you to take an hour to tell me that, though.

Anyway, I believe there are three episodes to go: this week's D'Artagnan-centric episode, then presumably one about Porthos, and then the series finale in which, and I'm just guessing here, D'Artagnan gets to become a Musketeer after all in a surprising but inevitable plot twist. Huzzah!

(Also, on the subject of subtraction, we're now down to 3. The flat electrics are done, and I'm hoping to get the kitchen light done this weekend. Watch this space.)

Kingdom of the Self-Service Checkout

Unlike a lot of people, I'm actually a fan of self-service checkouts. They're faster, more efficient, and they therefore cut down on queues. Provided, that is:

1. You don't have anything that doesn't have a barcode
2. You don't have anything that needs weighed
3. You don't have anything that needs authorisation or other assistance (DVDs, wine, scissors, medicines...)
4. You only have a very few items in total.

If any of those conditions don't apply, they're much harder to use, and the whole process slows right down. So while having self-service checkouts in addition to the regular ones is a good thing, we really can't switch to them as the sole means of checkout.

As we know, Monday is Tesco night, just after band practice. Unfortunately, what wasn't quite so well known is that the shift change in Tesco occurs at 10pm, at which point all regular checkouts close for ten minutes or so until the new shift can take over.

As it happened, items #1 and #'2 from my list were still true. Item #3 should have been true, but unfortunately the system fails when item #4 doesn't hold - the bagging area wasn't big enough for all the bags I needed, which meant things kept needing moved around, that kept triggering the "please seek assistance" prompt.

Now, I do understand that they need that prompt, because the self-service checkouts have to work according to the weight of items. Fair enough. And I also get that supermarkets really don't want to pay for checkout staff to do nothing. That's also fair enough.

But as a practical matter the weekly shop cannot be sensibly put through on a self-service checkout. It just doesn't work - too much hassle, too much need for intervention from the staff, and too much annoyance. It would have been better, for all concerned, for them to open up a checkout, run through that shop, and then close the checkout again.

Gah!

(On another topic, and for those keeping track of my arithmetic woes: 4 - 1 = still 4. My car is now fixed, and LC's car is booked in to be fixed. And, if I'm really lucky, the flat electrics are in the process of being fixed now. However, one of the bulbs in the kitchen light has blown, and it appears that the fitting has been damaged such that the bulb can't be replaced - I'll need to replace the entire light. Sometimes, this all feels like the trials of Sisyphus.)

Ooh, Culture!

When sorrows come, they come not single spies but in battalions. - Hamlet

(Okay, that's the culture bit. The rest is just me moaning.)

It has been a tough weekend. Remember how last weekend I did a post about how 3 - 2 = 5? Well, it turns out that 5 - 2 = 4...

We got our hot water fixed last week. This wasn't too bad - there was a part replaced, there was a note that the boiler is now End of Life (which will limit the availability of parts in future), but it could have been much worse. And on Saturday I spent some more time on the bathroom ceiling, stripping again and repainting, and it's now much better. So, that's good.

But on Saturday morning there was The Smell. A rather disturbing stench coming from somewhere in the appartment, the smell of something unpleasant burning. To be fair, I'd noticed this before, but had convinced myself it was LC's hairdryer or straighteners, or somesuch. But on Saturday that excuse didn't exist - The Smell was there and neither of these things had been used.

Well, after some investigations we identified that it's coming from our main "fuse box" (I'm not sure what the correct term is, since instead of fuses it actually houses several circuit breakers), the smell was definitely of burning plastic, and the box became warm to the touch when certain appliances were on.

Now, for obvious reasons there was very little to be done thereafter. I was able to identify that the problems seem associated with one particular breaker (because it was worst when the shower and/or the tumble drier were on, and they share a breaker), but of course I didn't open the box to see what was wrong. My gut feeling is that that breaker has worn out, a short circuit has probably developed, and that that's the problem, but of course I might be wrong.

So, I contacted the guy who does the regular safety inspections on the box. Or, rather, I tried to - it turns out he doesn't work weekends (and fair enough). The last few days have been a bit stressful. Obviously, that's something I want fixed Right Now, but time doesn't always work like that.

In addition to this, LC hit problems with our computers this weekend... but I won't go into that. Except to note that it's seldom that one thing that causes the problem - it's that one thing on top of all the other things. Oh well.

The upshot of all of this is that this week, which was already going to be awfully busy and horrendously expensive, is now going to be even more busy and expensive. I just hope that, if we can endure, this will be the end of the problems.

Anyway... after finally getting through the weekend, we retired to bed. Only to find that neither of us slept at all well - I think we each managed about four hours in fits and starts through the night. Not good. (A combination of worry, not feeling terribly well, and there being a clear barrier between discrete zones of "too hot" and "too cold".)

I dropped my car off to be looked at this morning. That, at least, went okay. And then, on my way to work, I hit a huge traffic jam and lost another hour or so. Gah!

But then I phoned up and paid for the repair to our boiler and then phoned someone else and arranged to have the "fuse box" looked at. It would be nice to think that the worst is now behind us.

Onward!

#11: "Pathfinder: City of Locusts", by Richard Pett

March of the Third Doctor

The Third Doctor novel was "Last of the Gadarene", which I read last year. It was a fine novel - not the book of the year, but satisfying enough for all that. That meant that this month I had only a very little reading to do, specifically the short story "Spear of Destiny", starring the Third Doctor. It was okay, but remarkable mostly for introducing me to the trivia that the Vikings had a dedicated bath-day. Well, that, and another plot from The Master, who in his original incarnation was always a favourite of mine. (I'm not so keen on his appearances since the TV movie, although Derek Jacobi was good of course.)

With the Third Doctor, though, we're really getting to the point where I'm familiar with the character. Although I never saw any of his episodes live, I was familiar with the Third Doctor from "The Five Doctors", in which he is most definitely one of the star turns. I also once saw him in the Doctor Who stage play, many many years ago (he was later replaced in that by Colin Baker). And, like Tom Baker's Fourth Doctor, the Third Doctor had an incredibly recognisable voice. This makes reading his stories very easy, since you get a clear mental image whenever he speaks.

So... "Spear of Destiny" really wasn't great, much like the other two short stories thus far. "Last of the Gadarene", though, was a very solid read, probably just pipping "Dreams of Empire" as my favourite to date.

Next month we have the Fourth Doctor, at which point I've just about caught up with where I came in. Though it's not until May, and the Fifth, that we really hit 'my' Doctor.

#10: "The Hundred Days", by Patrick O'Brian (book of the year so far)

For Once, Good Timing

About six months ago, in the run up to our Centenary, the band were contacted by the granddaughter of our first pipe major. She and her mum visited the band, and at that time they also presented us with some music written by our first pipe major, two out of three tunes that he had written for his three daughters. However, due to an injury sustained in the Great War, he had never been able to play the tunes. Consequently our guest, the final surviving daughter, had never heard the tunes her father wrote for her and her sisters. They asked if someone from the band could learn the tunes so that they could come back and hear them played - and that task fell to me.

The return visit was planned for last Thursday, but unfortunately it had to be cancelled due to ill health. This was unfortunate, but not entirely unexpected given the age of the lady in question.

So far, so ordinary.

But it occurred to me on Friday that perhaps waiting to reschedule the visit wasn't the best possible option. After all, you never know...

Besides, it had always been my intention to record the tunes and present our guests with a CD, memory stick, or similar device with the audio file. Indeed, I had such a recording already, although the quality wasn't great - my pipes had had a new chanter and new drone reeds in the last week, and the recording was with the older, less good, set.

So I rerecorded the tunes last night, put the file somewhere public, and sent a link along. No big deal, or so I thought.

It turns out that the lady in question turns 86 this Friday, and so hearing the tunes for the first time will make for a fine present for her.

It turns out that, just sometimes, my timing isn't entirely awful. Huzzah!

#9: "The Wind in the Willows", by Kenneth Grahame (A book from The List)

3 - 2 = 5??

How is it that you can start the year with three maintenance tasks to do around the place, spend some time working really hard to clear two of them, and end up with five? And how does that five manage to include all three of those original tasks?

Gah!

In case you were wondering, here are the five...

1. Bathroom ceiling. This has been an eyesore for a long time, so last weekend I spent some time stripping down the affected areas, re-plastered them, and painted them. It's now much better than it was. Unfortunately, though, when the paint dried it also contracted, and thus has cracked. Basically, it needs re-done. Which was pretty devastating after all the work I did last weekend.
2. LC's car. This went in to get fixed, a process taking three days. But it was done, and finished. Until, that is, we received a courtesy call from the people who sold us the car trying to offer us an MOT and service, which are now due.
3. The carpets need cleaned properly.
4. My car has now developed a worrying rattle.
5. And the latest annoyance in my life: something has gone wrong with our boiler. We still have heating, thank goodness, but no hot water.

It's all just annoying, and frankly this latest problem was the last thing I needed after a fairly rotten week.

Pet Peeve: Selfies

Okay, leaving aside for the moment that 'seflie' is itself an abomination of a term, and yet another sign of the degeneracy of modern society, the thing that really annoys me even more about it is misuse of the term.

A 'selfie' is a photograph that you take of yourself - either directly, or in a mirror. Other people and other things can appear in a selfie, but those two rules apply - you must appear in the photo, and you must take the photo yourself. (I'm sure there's a clue there in the name, but I'm not entirely sure what it is...)

If someone else takes a photo of you, that is not a selfie - that is a photograph. I know it's a shocking concept, but there it is. Likewise, the only way to get a "food selfie" is if you're a cannibal and your food is really underdone. Otherwise, it's just you taking a photo of your food - which may or may not be an horrible and pretentious habit, but it's not a selfie.

Gah!

#8: "The Dagger of Trust", by Chris Willrich

Dear Insurance Companies...

If you send me a renewal notice saying that you believe the most appropriate provider for me gives a quote of £X a year and I phone to cancel saying I've got a much better quote (as I had), please don't put me on hold while you rustle up a mysterious 'new' quote at £Y per year for the same service. I'm not, despite appearances, a complete idiot - so, by all means, consider that £X-Y an "apathy tax"... just don't be surprised if I elect not to pay it.

(It was especially insulting this time, as I happened to have not one but two much better quotes for the insurance, one of which was actually that same £Y quote from the same provider. It just happened that I'd been quoted as new business rather than as a renewal.)

Actually, this whole episode makes me feel really quite distressed, precisely because it's not, at all, a surprise. It's well known that companies delight in offering "introductory discounts" and other such things in order to get your business, and then ramp up the costs on renewal. In effect, you'll always be better off moving your gas/electricity/internet from your current supplier to someone else.

It's especially bad with insurance, which is supposed to be marketed based on actuarial assessment; that is, based on a calculation of the risk involved. But, as I've said before, if it were really done based on a purely actuarial basis, it should always be cheaper to renew with the same company than it is to move, because the new company has actual rather, than estimated, data which reduces the unknown factors, and hence the risk. And yet it is always cheaper to move elsewhere... or at least to say you're going to move elsewhere.

I do hate it when things just don't work the way they really should.

Update on Goals

We're now 50 days into the new year, and so it is time for an update on my progress at my goals. So:

• Weight: This started pretty brightly, but has now hit a plateau, which is a pain. The big problem is the weekends, where something seems to have gotten in the way every time, be it a birthday, a restaurant visit, or just sheer laziness. Oh well.
• Work: Likewise, this has started well.
• Books: I've read seven books to date, which means I am once again slightly ahead of target for this year. Which is good.
• Games: "Imperial Fist" is ongoing. We've lost one player and gained another, and also switched the dates to better balance my weeks. Unfortunately, it looks like the first of the three proposed one-shots will need to be cancelled, which will mean the goal will fall short. Oh well. By contrast, I have two of the three 'player' games scheduled, so that aspect is going well.
• Maintenance: This is a bit behind schedule. One of the three parts is done, but the other two remain as they were with no great sign of motion. The fundamental problem is that I can't really be bothered.
• Computer: Deferred.
• Money: This is actually well in hand. The payback of the loan is automated, so will sort itself out. The rest of the clean-up is mostly done, with only two calls to make to finish that off. I would like to rebuild some savings, though.

And that's where we are 50 days into 2014. By the time of the next update, I would like to have broken through the weight plateau, read 16 books, and completed the "maintenance" goal. I suspect two out of those three is a more likely outcome.

The Clown Before the Dandy

February is the month of the Second Doctor. As I said last month, I have no great experience with the Second Doctor - I've seen both "The Five Doctors" and "The Two Doctors", but neither of these was really a story about that that Doctor. (The "The Two Doctors", in particular, was rather poor, in part because Patrick Troughton wasn't really up to the demands of the role at the time.)

So, it was with some trepidation that I approached this month's story, "The Nameless City", and novel, "Dreams of Empire".

But I needn't have worried. Where the First Doctor is a significant shift away from what I was used to, it seems the Second was much more familiar - he fits pretty much perfectly alongside the Third and Fourth that I barely remember, and alongside the Fifth, Sixth, and Seventh that I watched far more regularly. So, it really did read like a new incarnation of the well-known character.

That said, the short story was, it must be said, a little odd - the combination of the fundamentally optimistic Doctor Who and the fundamentally nihilistic Cthulhu mythos doesn't really work, for obvious reasons.

But the novel is far more satisfying, to the extent that I actually read it across three days instead of the planned week. This one was a sort-of-Julius Caesar story set in space with lots of chess metaphors. And I must admit, it managed to surprise me: I had figured out all but one of the plot twists some way in advance, but I missed a big one. Which was good, really.

So, that's that. March is the month of the Third Doctor, although I've already read the novel, "Last of the Gaderene", so there won't be too much to do. Fortunately, I'm much more familiar with the Dandy, so that should be a good one...

Experimental Cookery 2014: Thai Red Beef Curry with Jasmine Rice

This one came from Lorraine's "Fast, Fresh, and Easy Food". It was certainly fast!

This was a very nice curry, but blimey it was a hot one! So hot, in fact, that Lady Chocolat was forced to concede defeat. I made it through to the end, but am not entirely sure that was the best choice. But, apart from the extreme heat, it was pretty excellent.

#6: "The Yellow Admiral", by Patrick O'Brian
#7: "Dreams of Empire", by Justin Richards

Brocolli!

I have a new nemesis, which is probably a good thing since the others were becoming worn-out through overuse - a bit like the Borg, really.

Anyway, there are certain foodstuffs that I have to avoid, or tread carefully around. Dominos pizza, for example, or at least the stuffed-crust variety, always causes me problems, as does deep-fried chicken. (Conversely, Shredded Wheat, although deeply unpleasant to eat, does me considerable good.) But, in both cases, it's really obvious that I shouldn't be eating those things anyway - they're hugely and obviously bad for you. Frankly, complaining about that would be like complaining that a diet entirely from McDonalds or composed of deep-fried Mars bars wasn't the best.

But brocolli is supposed to be healthy. I mean, it's even green, and as we know no foodstuff that is green could possibly be bad for you - clearly, the horrendous taste of such things is inversely proportionate to its life-giving qualities. (Plus, it has the electrolytes that plants crave!)

Not so much, it turns out. It seems brocolli is a traitor veg, lying in wait to pounce on the unwary eater and leave them feeling rotten for days afterwards.

And so now I find myself paranoid, at any time expecting an attack by my foul new nemesis. Which probably explains the strange looks I was receiving in Tesco last night. But, frankly, it's justified: vegetables are masters of stealth - have you ever seen one attacking?

No, I thought not.

Experimental Cookery 2014: Spicy Sausage and Bean Casserole

Huzzah! This one was a rousing success.

This particular meal was taken from the "Great British Bake Off Winter Kitchen", by Lizzie Kamenetzky, one of the two new books I got for Christmas. That book has proven to be one that is better in the dreaming than the practice, I've found - I really like the idea of a lot of the things, but doubt I'll ever make too many of them.

Still, this one was good. It was simple, too - mix up a sauce, bake to thicken, fry the sausages, combine the lot, bake again, and serve. I paired it with some lovely mash, and my best bread to date - another seeded loaf, this one made with one-third white and two-thirds stoneground flour. So it was a big meal, but a hugely satisfying one. And we've got four more portions, and half a loaf, left for later use, too.

As I said, a rousing success!

#4: "David Copperfield", by Charles Dickens (a book from The List)
#5: "Herald of the Ivory Labyrinth", by Wolfgang Baur

Experimental Cookery 2014: Scrumptious Spicy Chicken Fajitas with Guacamole, Salsa & Sour Cream

The first Experimental Cookery of 2014 came from Lorraine's "Fast, Fresh and Easy Food", which is definitely one of my favourite books. The method did lie, unfortunately - it took rather more than 30 minutes to prepare these!

This was actually rather good fun. The salsa, and the guacamole were both hand-made, while the sour cream was improved by the addition of chives. At no point in the process was it particularly difficult; it just took a while.

The end result was... curious. It wasn't even close to as spicy as I had expected, nor as I think I would have preferred. But they were a distinct improvement on the Old El Paso ones, and were also a bit better than Jamie's ones from the "Ministry of Food". I think I may have found the version that persuades me to switch away from the pre-bought packs, although I'm going to do some tweaking of the spice mix next time.

Beyond that, there's not much to say. Unlike the Old El Paso version, we weren't left with way too much food, which was nice, although LC was able to get tomorrow's lunch from it (which is also nice). So, all in all, a winner!

Ongoing Sleep Woes

As a consequence of yesterday's fiasco, we set no fewer than 3 alarms last night - the unreliable alarm clock, plus the alarms on both our mobile phones. Two of these went off as expected - I cancelled the third before it also did its job.

Unfortunately, though, the consequence of not really trusting the alarm clock was that actually getting to sleep was rather difficult. So, any benefit that we might have derived from those two hours of extra sleep yesterday were lost overnight. Which is not quite ideal.

Meanwhile, as a result of this we've concluded that the time has come to ditch the current (unreliable) alarm clock and replace it with a 'real' alarm clock. Which is probably a long-overdue step. My inclination at this point is to go for a "sunrise lamp" device, which should help with those dark winter mornings, though this is by no means fixed.

What is the Point in a Clock that Doesn't Strike?

This morning, my alarm clock didn't go off. It was set; it just didn't sound. The consequence of this was that instead of waking up at 6:40, we instead woke at 8:40, to the rude shock of realising that we were horribly late.

Now, for me that's not too bad - I got to the office at 10, I get the joy of working until 6:30, and that's it done. (It's a little unfortunate that I also left a bit early yesterday so have some more time to make up, but that's an aside.)

But for LC it's obviously a much more serious matter. It seems it could have been worse, but still...

This is the second time that clock has let us down. The first, it decided the 5-minute 'snooze' should be half an hour long, which cause a panic but no lateness. This time, obviously, was much worse.

But, really, unreliability is unforgivable in an alarm clock. It has precisely one job: to wake us up on time. (The other potential role, of telling the time, is one with plenty of coverage.) If it was consistently late, we could deal with that, by setting the alarm sooner. But if it randomly decides to sound late, or indeed not at all, that's not something we can adjust for.

And it's not even as if we can give it another chance. The consequences are just too grim. Time to introduce that clock to the bin, I fear.

My Second Attempt at Pizzas

A couple of years ago, I did a post about making pizza. At the time, I noted that the results were okay, but not without their problems. Since then, we've resorted to Tesco's pizzas - although they weren't as nice, the homemade ones weren't "better enough" to justify the effort. And yet, it seems every cookbook I get has some variation on pizzas, and they were all pretty easy-looking.

Today was the day for my second attempt as pizzas. This time, I took the method for the base from Paul Hollywood's "Bread", the method for the tomato sauce from "The Great British Bake Off Winter Kitchen", and the toppings from, well, Tesco I guess (for the record: mozzarella, onion, green pepper and, of course, pepperoni).

Making up the dough was easy, as before, and the results were good, as before. I tried tossing the pizza in a most professional manner, which actually worked quite well (though I've since seen a flaw in my technique). Then, in a variation from last time, I part-baked two of the bases for freezing. These were then cooled, topped, placed in the freezer for an hour, and then wrapped for 'proper' freezing. So, those should be good for a later date.

The third pizza was tonight's dinner, with the addition of some homemade chips. (Mmm, chips!)

And it was lovely. It seems that about 8 slices of pepperoni per pizza is right while one small onion, one green pepper, and two balls of cheese are the right amount for three largish pizzas. So, huzzah!

The only downside of this is that this pizza was definitely "better enough" to compel us to abandon Tesco's efforts (which, frankly, have slipped away quite badly of late anyway). So I'm going to have to put in yet more effort in keeping the freezer stocked. On the other hand, they're nicer, they're cheaper, and I've even managed to get some of the mess under control, so really, what's not to like?

Drained

As I noted a few weeks ago, I wasn't at all sorry to see 2013 go - it wasn't a bad year, but it wasn't a particularly good one either. And 2014 has thus far proven to be rather better, with things appearing to start up pretty well, and with lots of good stuff to come later in the year.

There's just one problem: I'm knackered!

Really, the issue stems from this weekend, when I didn't really do a huge amount, but unfortunately I also didn't get enough sleep, and when I did sleep it wasn't of very high quality. Especially with the spider-related interruption, but I digress.

Somewhat ominously, the previous two weeks have actually been 'light' weeks in terms of business, with things only now returning to their full, manic glory after Christmas - the game resumes tomorrow, and I'm out on Wednesday also. Coupled with band, then, that means I have something on every night this week until Friday. Eek.

Still, it should be good. I'm particularly looking forward to the game tomorrow, when I get to start taking advantage of the work I've been doing over the last month to make the game both easier to prep, and also in taking it in a new direction. (One of my players has also dropped out, thus confirming that my change of direction was indeed the right call.)

Now all I need to do is survive...

#3: "Stalking the Beast", by Howard Andrew Jones

Firing the Canon

So, in a fairly depressing, but in no way surprising, move, Disney have decided to prune the Star Wars canon down to a manageable size. They decided to clear out the existing 'levels' of canon and revert to a simple "this is canon/that isn't" model.

That's not terribly surprising. Lawrence Kazdan, being a scriptwriter and not necessarily an obsessive Star Wars junkie, isn't au fait with the entirety of the Expanded Universe, so in writing Episode VII, he was sure to trample on a few things. And it's right enought that he should probably be freed up to write the best script he can, without worrying inordinately about minutae of established canon.

But it's also not without its problems.

It appears that this pruning isn't going to take a simple "the movies are in/everything else is out", or even "the movies plus Clone Wars are in/everything else...", but rather they're going to go through the existing EU material and choose based on what's 'good' and what's 'bad'. So it seems likely that Mara Jade, a fan-favourite character from the EU who became Luke Skwalker's wife, will make the cut, while things like the "Dark Empire" graphic novels will be out.

Two problems with this: firstly, those of us who have paid any interest to the EU can't selectively edit our memories. So, not only do we have a bunch of stuff rattling around in our heads that we're not entirely sure we remember, but now we're expected to remember what is and is not included. That's not a 'simplification', it makes things more complex.

Secondly, the EU actually has a pretty strong continuity to it. This means that later material builds on the earlier stuff - "Fate of the Jedi" depends on "Legacy of the Force", which depends on "New Jedi Order", which depends on... If you start knocking bricks out of the Jenga tower that this represents, pretty quickly the whole thing is going to fall apart.

Honestly, a selective pruning is probably the worst thing they can do. Far better to go for a simple in/out approach, based pretty much only on the movies (and maybe Clone Wars). Perhaps take a leaf out of Marvel's book (actually, more DC's book, but that's a nitpick), and label them alternate timelines or alternate universes.

As for whether they should clear out the EU at all...

One of the responses in favour of this move has been that much of the EU material is so very, very bad. And it is. But is "Darksaber" really worse than Greedo firing first? Or "oota groota Solo?", or the "Jedi Rocks" music number in Jabba's palace? "That's so wizard Anni"? Or all the other bits of the films that are likewise so very, very bad? (And before answering, remember also that the EU contains quite a lot of material that is likewise very, very good - see Timothy Zahn's books, the "X-Wing" series, etc. Remove the EU and you lose that, too.)

Here's another issue: the people who would complain most about an inconsistency between Ep7 and the EU are those fans who have obsessively pored over all things Star Wars. They're the people who buy every book, every comic, who make their own Star Wars costumes, who queue for days at the cinema to see the new film on opening night. In short, they are the absolute most dedicated part of the fanbase. Pissing on your most dedicated fans is seldom a good idea (just as WotC about 4e Forgotten Realms!).

The most immediate impact of that is that your fans, having been burned in this way, now have no motivation to buy into your future tie-in materials. Why would they buy the new Star Wars books, comics, etc that you produce knowing both that (a) the quality is ropey as hell, and (b) these are only "the continuing adventures" up until the next time you feel like a cull? Merchandise has always been a huge deal for Star Wars... and now its value is diminished.

(Naturally, I do also have one other reason for not wanting the cull, this one being a little more personal. Most of the foundations of the EU lie in the excellent work done by West End Games for the original Star Wars RPG - to the extent that when Zahn was contracted to write the new Star Wars trilogy way back he was sent those roleplaying books as his research guide. And, amongst other things, that's where the name 'Coruscant' comes from. Being a gamer, I'd rather not see that just getting scrubbed.)

Ultimately, of course, it doesn't matter. Disney are going to do this, and as the owners of the IP they have that right. I just think it's a mistake - in my opinion, the Star Wars galaxy is a bigger, better environment for the Expanded Universe (good and bad) than it is without.

And that's all I have to say on that.

Not My Doctor

As I noted a couple of weeks ago, one of my book series for this year are the "Doctor Who" 50th anniversary books - one novel for each of the eleven Doctors to date, plus an anthology of short stories, one for each Doctor.

January, of course, was the month of the First Doctor.

Sadly, I wasn't hugely impressed by either the short story or the novel. In both cases they were okay, but no more than okay. I felt the "Peter Pan" motif in the short story, while cute, was also rather overdone, and I wasn't too enamoured of the Doctor's robot hand issues. The novel, meanwhile, was a murder mystery that started okay, got bogged down, and then ended well.

But what I really felt was difficult was actually the character of the Doctor himself. I found it hard to relate to this character who had a name I knew well but who wasn't anything like what I've become used to.

I guess it's just a matter of it being a product of its time. I came in right at the end of the Tom Baker years (or, at least, I just barely half-remember some Tom Baker stuff that might have been reruns), but in many ways Peter Davison is 'my' Doctor, just as he was for David Tennant (see "Time Crash"). And I find I can relate to every Doctor since then, even the Sixth although he's... difficult. And the Third isn't so far removed from the Fourth, so that's fine.

But the First Doctor is something of an outlier, being really quite different from all the other Doctors. So, it seems that he's just not 'my' Doctor.

(It will be interesting to see what happens with the Second Doctor story and novel next month. Other than "The Five Doctors" and "The Two Doctors", I don't think I've ever seen the Second in action, largely because of the time factor, and also because so much has been lost. And it seems unlikely that he's 'my' Doctor any more than the First. So...)

#2: "Ten Little Aliens", by Stephen Cole

My Latest, Greatest Discovery

On one level, Irn Bru is awesome, and the greatest thing ever. On the other hand, Irn Bru is the bane of my existence, being absolutely full of delicious, delicious sugar, empty calories, and orange colouring. It's the single worst aspect of my diet in general, and the hardest thing for me to give up.

One of the things I have found whenever I've given it up is that I don't just miss the taste, which I can live without, but I also miss the texture - the fast that it's a fizzy drink. That shouldn't be a real surprise - flat Irn Bru tastes the same but is, frankly, an abomination. (Not as evil as Diet Irn Bru, of course, but still...)

At the weekend, though, I had an idea. And, armed with this marvellous epiphany, off I went to Tesco. On my return, LC exclaimed, "why did you buy...?" But it's so simple, so ingenious. Frankly, sometimes I amaze even myself.

(I'm about to reveal my idea. You're response will probably be, "well, of course! We've been doing that for years!" But it was new to me, so there.)

If you take Robinson's Fruit & Barley (orange flavour) and dilute it with soda water (£1.45 for 6 litres from Tesco), you get something that tastes pretty much like Fanta (actually, uncannily like Fanta). More important than the taste, though, it has the same fizz but with almost none of the sugars and with negligible calories.

It's a tiny change, but it makes a huge difference. And it wasn't something I had really considered for years, largely because soda water by itself is pretty awful stuff.

#1: "The Commodore", by Patrick O'Brian

Goals for 2014

The final year-end post is to set a new bunch of goals for the coming year. For 2014, that will actually be quite easy, since most of them are just follow-ons from last year. That said, there are a few specific things that are tied to specific dates that I think I shall add to the list:

• Weight: This goal completely failed in 2013, and so in 2014 shall simply be restated: by the end of next year, I hope to have lost a stone and a half. More would be nice, but I think the goal as it is is at least reasonable. (Annual goal)
• Work: For 2014, I mostly just want to continue in the same vein as in 2013. That said, there may be some opportunities to do even better, which I think I'll look out for. (Annual goal)
• Books: The goal for next year is the same as for this: 60 books, including 12 from The List. The standard rules will apply: it's a book if the publishers say it's a book; one set of covers is one book; and when tackling an anthology of which I've already read part, I only need to read the 'new bits' to count the whole. (Annual goal)
• Games: Complete the "Star Wars: Imperial Fist" campaign, run three one-shot games, and play in three game sessions. (Annual goal)
• Maintenance: There are a small handful of jobs that need done and have needed done for some time. Amongst them: the bathroom ceiling needs stripped and re-plastered, and the hall and living room carpets need a thorough cleaning. Time to get these done. (Should complete by end of March)
• Computer: We bought LC a new computer yesterday, and now it's my turn. The intention, although this is subject to change, is to replace the laptop I am currently writing on with a fairly high-end desktop machine. (Should complete by end of June)
• Money: As I mentioned last year, this is a three part goal. Part one is now done. Part two is underway, and is to repay Dad the money he leant me for my car (several years ago!). The third part is to sort out our finances properly - they're pretty good, actually, but there are a few areas of fat to trim, and I want to start rebuilding my savings again, as they've been reduced to an uncomfortable level. (Should complete by end of September)

And that's it: four goals for the year as a whole, plus one goal for each of the first three quarters. I may set one more goal when we get to the fourth quarter of the year, or I might take the view that I have enough to do in finishing off the annual goals.

Perhaps of note, I haven't set a goal for the band for this year. I considered it, but I've concluded that my real goal is just to enjoy my year playing with the band, and that's actually best achieved by not setting a performance target.

My Year in 2013

One of the advantages of writing according to formulae is that these end-of-year posts get a bit easier each time - all I need to do is copy last year's format, replace the text with the appropriate stuff for this year, and it's done.

It was actually very interesting reading last year's review, as I had perhaps whitewashed 2012 in my memory somewhat, when the reality was that it was actually very challenging. Also, the review started "2013 has sucked so far." That's not an entirely fair summary of the year as a whole, but it is fair to say that it was very mixed, and on balance was less good than 2012.

My Year in... Work

Firstly, though, the big success of the year. The first six months of 2013 were largely uneventful, in a good way. My performance review was much better than in 2012, which was a huge relief and put things back on track for the year.

Then, around the end of July, things seemed to click into high gear, and I had probably my best three months at work, ever. This was focussed around my trip to the US, from which I returned with a rave review, and then into the near-completion of the project.

The final three months of the year weren't quite of the same calibre as the previous three, but were still largely successful. In particular, I finished the year with a clean slate - I completed my last outstanding task just before ending work on my last day, then went to our Christmas Lunch, and was done. Which is pretty much the best possible way to end the year.

So, I'm actually rather hopeful for 2014 - if it continues in the same vein then it should be a good one.

My Year in... Health

The start of 2013 was a bit of an ordeal, with me going back and forth to the doctor several times with regard to my digestive issues. The outcome is that we think we've pinned the problem down, which is good, but there's very little to be done. I've got some medication which helps a little, but mostly I have to control it through my diet. And, to make things more complex, there don't seem to be any clear rules to follow - sometimes I can eat all the 'right' things and feel terrible, while other times I can eat all the 'wrong' things and feel great.

The one thing that does make a big difference, indeed far more than any medication, is to have Shredded Wheat for breakfast. Which doesn't really make sense, since it's on the 'wrong' list I was given, but since it works...

The most worrying bit of all this is that when things are bad, I have had spells when I have literally thought I was about to die. There seem to be lots of displaced pains involved, and when those pains like to displace to your left arm and upper chest, that's not good. (But, before you worry - yes, I've had that all checked out; and no, there's nothing to worry about.)

The key thing for 2014 is to lose weight again. Quite a lot of weight, actually - my feeling, which might well be wrong, is that this will help with the digestive issue. If nothing else, it should help with my general health.

My Year in... Gaming

2013 was mixed year for gaming as well. I finished off "The Eberron Code", which went as well as I could have imagined. Indeed, following the end of the campaign the group decided to get together for a meal, at which the players surprised me by giving me a gift - the "Star Wars: X-Wing" miniatures game. Which was totally unexpected, and very cool.

After some months, I then started my new campaign: "Star Wars: Imperial Fist". This has a few issues, which I'll be covering on the Imaginarium at some point soon - I think it may need redirected for better effect.

I also ran three one-shot games. "Firefly: Furiously Fast" was the rescheduled Christmas Game from last year, which went very well. "Star Wars: Imperial Fist" was effectively a pilot episode for the current campaign, and was excellent. Finally, I ran "Serenity: Bound by Law" on Saturday, that being this year's Christmas Game, and which also went very well.

Two other one-shot games were cancelled, though. The "Vampire: Victorian Age" game "Prometheus" was cancelled quite early due to going down with the group like a lead balloon. Conversely, "Black Crusade: A Lament for Lustivan" had to be cancelled late due to illness on my part. I've rescheduled this for early next year, that being the third and final attempt to get that game going.

Finally, I was able to beat 2012's tally of games played, but only just - we played two sessions of "Numenera", which was fun (moreso the second time).

For 2014, the goals are pretty simple: more of the same. I hope to bring "Star Wars: Imperial Fist" to a satisfactory conclusion and have scheduled three one-shot sessions: "Black Crusade: A Lament for Lustivan", "Ultraviolet: 2XS", and "Firefly: Inglorious". I would also like to manage at least three sessions as a player, thus beating the score for 2013!

My Year in... Band

Ah, band...

As anticipated, I rejoined the band in August, and have suddenly found myself tutoring two learners, which is fun. I remain the chairperson of the committee, and am gearing up for the new season.

2013 also saw the band celebrate its centenary, which saw me featuring in the local paper, which was pretty cool.

The goal for 2014, I think, is pretty simple: just to enjoy the band. I don't want to set a target for our competition performance (although I daresay others might), and I'm not sure I really care all that much. I just want to show up, do my bit, and enjoy the day. I'm also not going to make the same commitment to the competition season as in years past - where before I attended as many competitions as I could, I think the band this year will be very much a secondary concern. I'll aim to attend all the majors, but probably not all the minors.

My Year in... Resolutions

I've posted separately about my goals for 2013, and will post again with goals for 2014. In short, this has been a very mixed year, with some success, especially in important areas, but also some failure.

My Year in... Travel

2013 was quite a busy year for trips. So, here goes...

The first major trip was down to Alnwick with Lady Chocolat, where we celebrated our anniversary. This was a good time, despite some rain, especially our anniversary dinner at the Treehouse.

Then there were three trips in very quick succession: to Sardinia, to the US, and then down to the wedding of K & B. These were all excellent, although for very different reasons. Understandably, though, it was also an extremely tiring run - I pretty much needed a holiday to get over all of that!

The final trip was to Dunkeld in October, which was fine, but too too short. We did at least get good weather on our one full day up there, which was nice.

I think the timing of the trips was perhaps a little unfortunate, in that the rest of Sardinia was immediately wiped out by the hard slog of the trip to the US, followed by the long journey to the wedding. Both those latter two were great, and I wouldn't have missed them, but they were tiring. Then, there was a long run to October, a micro-break, and then a longer run to Christmas. By the end, I was dragging myself through the motions!

2014 is shaping up to be another busy year. Once again, LC and I are hoping to get away for our anniversary, although haven't booked anything yet, while I've promised myself a 'real' holiday in Summer - what with the wedding and then the kitchen, money has been a bit tight for a couple of years, but we should now be over that, so the plan is to splash out for something a bit special in the summer as something of a reward. At least, that's the plan.

Oh, and I wouldn't be at all surprised to be called on to go back out to the US at some point.

My Year in... Faith

2013, like 2012, was a rather boring year in terms of faith. We just did a bunch of stuff, and then it ended.

One of my plans for 2014 is to start working through Carson's guide to Robert Murray M'Cheyne's reading plan, and thus in turn start working through the Bible again. I'm not necessarily sure this will help, though I suspect the discipline it imposes will have benefits, but I'm pretty certain it can't hurt.

My Year in... Love

2013 was pretty terrible, though not, I hasten to add, for the reason you may think. No, the reason it was difficult is easily summed up: something is rotten in the state of education.

The first few months of the year were made very tough by teacher training. Then, suddenly, LC was finished and had almost nothing to do for three months. And then she was teaching, and once again absurdly busy (only moreso). And there have been some difficulties...

Now, it's not my place to go into the details (and, indeed, it would be wrong for me to discuss LC's work when one of my rules here is that I don't discuss my own). However, when there are things that are manifestly and clearly wrong, and when they are actually unjust amd, worst of all, when there is nothing whatsoever I can do to help...

There has been at least one occasion this year when I've considered hoisting the black flag and going pirate on the entire system.

Other than that, things have been mostly good. I've annoyed LC with my many foibles, she's annoyed me with her habit of not quite doing things fully, we both have our own ways that things must be done that aren't quite the same... but that's all just good fun.

So, for 2014 I think the key thing is just to continue to support LC through the rest of this year. And then, hopefully, she can get on with her 'real' career.

My Year... Overall

2013 was a very mixed year, and, on balance, a worse one that 2012. I really won't be sorry to see it go. On the other hand, it has had some successes, and it has actually ended rather well.

The hope, of course, is that 2014 will be better, with more emphasis on the good, less on the bad, and with the one really big issue being resolved successfully.

I hope 2014 proves to be a good New Year for you also.

End of Year Update on Goals

The end of the year beckons, and I'm unlikely to make any more progress on any of my goals, so here's the year-end update:

• Health: This was a bit of a mixed bag. I did at least get some explanation of the big issue, but unfortunately it doesn't appear that there's a cure as such. I have some medication that helps a bit, but the single biggest help (much more effective than any of the medication) is to watch my diet - and in particular to have Shredded Wheat for breakfast. The other thing that would be a big help would be:
• Weight: This one was a disaster - no progress made at all. That will have to change in 2014.
• Work: This has been a bit of a triumph, really. The first few months of the year were an improvement on 2012, but then I hit a real vein of form, and racked up possibly my best three months ever. This peaked with my trip to the US, from which I returned with a glowing report. The challenge for 2014, then, is to continue in the good vein and to build on it. Huzzah!
• Books: Mostly done. See my other post on that topic.
• Debt: Done. The bathroom is paid off, and I've made a start on paying off the second part of the goal.
• Games: Mostly done. "The Eberron Code" completed on schedule, and was a massive success. "Imperial Fist" started on schedule, but suffered a cancelled session almost immediately. Additionally, it is a matter of some concern, which I may address over on the Imaginarium. I also ran three one-shots this year: "Firefly: Furiously Fast" was very good, "Star Wars: Imperial Fist" (the 'pilot' for the campaign) was brilliant, and this year's Christmas Game, "Serenity: Bound by Law" was very good. Unfortunately, we never quite managed to schedule one of the one-shots, while "Black Crusade: A Lament for Lustivan" had to be cancelled, so there's still some work to be done there.

So, that's one abject failure, one triumph, three done but with caveats, and one done; a bit of a mixed bag, really. For 2014, I'll be looking to continue the good work in some areas, and redouble efforts in one other. I'll also be adding one goal back on to the list. However, I won't post the new goals for the year until after I've done my full review of 2013 - the point at which I'll consider myself 'done' with this year.

The Books of 2013

Once again, I'm going to post the list of books read in 2013 a little early - I finished book 63 this morning and it's highly unlikely that there will be a 64th. Indeed, I rather hope not, as that will knock my plans for 2014 out of alignment. So, here's the list for 2013:

1. "A Blink of the Screen", by Terry Pratchett
2. "Master of Devils", by Dave Gross
3. "Pathfinder: Into the Nightmare Rift", by Richard Pett
4. "Desolation Island", by Patrick O'Brian
5. "Pathfinder: The Dead Heart of Xin", by Brandon Hodge
6. "Strata", by Terry Pratchett
7. "Tess of the d'Urbervilles", by Thomas Hardy *
8. "Death's Heretic", by James L. Sutter
9. "The Fortune of War" by Patrick O'Brian
10. "Pathfinder: The Snows of Summer", by Neil Spicer
11. "Song of the Serpent", by Hugh Matthews
12. "The Bromeliad", by Terry Pratchett
13. "Pathfinder: the Shackled Hut", by Jim Groves
14. "A Crown Imperiled", by Raymond E. Feist
15. "City of the Fallen Sky", by Tim Pratt
16. "Last of the Gadarene", by Mark Gatiss
17. "The Surgeon's Mate", by Patrick O'Brien
18. "Pathfinder: Maiden, Mother, and Crone", by Tim Hitchcock
19. "Nightglass", by Liane Merciel
20. "The Ionian Mission", by Patrick O'Brian
21. "Treason's Harbour", by Patrick O'Brian
22. "Pathfinder: The Frozen Stars", by Matthew Goodall
23. "Blood of the City", by Robin D. Laws
24. "The Long Earth", by Terry Pratchett and Stephen Baxter
25. "The Far Side of the World", by Patrick O'Brian
26. "1356", by Bernard Cornwell
27. "Pathfinder: Rasputin Must Die!", by Brandon Hodge
28. "The Reverse of the Medal", by Patrick O'Brian
29. "The Folklore of Discworld", by Terry Pratchett and Jacqueline Simpson
30. "Queen of Thorns", by Dave Gross
31. "Persuasion", by Jane Austen *
32. "The Hunger Games", by Suzanne Collins
33. "The Letter of Marque", by Patrick O'Brian
34. "The White Company", by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
35. "Pathfinder: The Witch Queen's Revenge", by Greg A. Vaughan
36. "Called to Darkness", by Richard Lee Byers
37. "Pathfinder: The Dragon's Demand", by Mike Shel
38. "Heart of Darkness and Other Stories", by Joseph Conrad *
39. "Catching Fire", by Suzanne Collins
40. "Pathfinder: The Worldwound Incursion", by Amber E. Scott
41. "The Wasp Factory", by Iain Banks *
42. "Liar's Blade" by Tim Pratt
43. "The Thirteen-Gun Salute", by Patrick O'Brian
44. "Only You Can Save Mankind", by Terry Pratchett
45. "Johnny and the Dead", by Terry Pratchett
46. "Johnny and the Bomb", by Terry Pratchett
47. "Mockingjay", by Suzanne Collins
48. "Pathfinder: Sword of Valor", by Neil Spicer
49. "The Nutmeg of Consolation", by Patrick O'Brian
50. "The Blood of Gods", by Conn Iggulden
51. "Pirate's Honor", by Chris A. Jackson
52. "The Carpet People", by Terry Pratchett
53. "Clarissa Oakes", by Patrick O'Brian
54. "The Wizard's Mask", by Ed Greenwood
55. "Pathfinder: Demon's Heresy", by Jim Groves
56. "X-Wing: Mercy Kill", by Aaron Allston
57. "Dodger", by Terry Pratchett
58. "The Wine-Dark Sea", by Patrick O'Brian
59. "King of Chaos", by Dave Gross
60. "Red Dwarf: Better Than Life", by Grant Naylor
61. "Pathfinder: The Midnight Isles", by James Jacobs and Greg A. Vaughan
62. "Pathfinder: Bestiary 4", by Paizo Publishing
63. "The Bridget Jones Omnibus: The Singleton Years",by Helen Fielding *

So, a grand total of 63, 5% over my goal at the start of the year. However, the break down of these into my five 'series' is rather patchy - there are twelve Patrick O'Brian novels, fourteen Pathfinders, and twelve Pathfinder Tales, and the Pratchett series is likewise complete (as it turned out there weren't twelve unread books). However, there are only five books from The List, which is rather poor. Still, it's not too bad.

The book of the year is "Dodger". For a long time, it looked like the very first book, "A Blink of the Screen" was going to be the best, with a couple of noble efforts falling at the last hurdle. However, "Dodger" managed to sneak it at the last. Of course, that means that Terry Pratchett managed to write both the top two picks of the year. The worst book of the year was "The Wizard's Mask", which I've blogged about before.

Honourable mention really must go to two particular series. The first of these is "The Hunger Games" trilogy, which really was excellent. Young adult fiction tends to be dismissed by literary types, generally those who can't see beyond "Harry Potter" and "Twilight", but "The Hunger Games" can probably stand up there with "Nineteen Eighty-Four" or "The Handmaid's Tale" as a strong exemplar of a rather unrealistic, but still compelling, dystopia.

The other excellent series is the Aubrey/Maturin series by Patrick O'Brian. These were universally excellent, although no individual novel quite made it to book of the year. Still, for a series of sixteen (so far) novels to be so consistently so good is incredibly impressive. I both look forward to reading the remaining volumes and am somewhat disappointed that I'm coming to the end.

Next year I'm planning to continue in much the same vein, except that some of my series are at, or close to, the end. Thus, I have six 'series' that I'll be following: the Aubrey/Maturin novels (5 volumes remaining, plus one other by PO'B), Pathfinders (12), Pathfinder Tales (7 or 8 volumes next year), the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary novels (10 plus a short story collection), new books (9), plus books from The List (12). That probably leaves me a little short of the target of 60, but I'm sure I can find a couple of others to fill in any gaps.

My Huge Christmas Dilemma

While I was making dinner tonight (lamb rogan josh - it was fab), I found myself musing on all the things I would tell my seventeen-year-old self. Because the connection is obvious. Or something.

Anyway, then found myself wondering: do I say, "under no circumstances move to Yeovil," or not? On the one hand, that was probably the single biggest mistake I've ever made... and yet everything since pretty much depends on it. And what's happened since has been pretty excellent.

So, bearing in mind that much of what has happened may have happened anyway, is it worth body-swerving that one big mistake and risking losing out on everything since, or is it better to accept the pain of that time, and the memories that go with it, to guarantee present happiness?

I didn't have an answer. It's one of those great inponderables that I sometimes think about.

#60: "Red Dwarf: Better Than Life", by Grant Naylor

Oh, and also: Merry Christmas to all!

The End of Work

Today is my last day of work this year. Huzzah!

Also, for the second year in a row, our Christmas lunch has fallen on the last day I've been working. This has meant that the last thing I do for 'work' for the year has actually been to go and have a slap-up feed. Huzzah two!

And, even better, this year has seen me doing some key and useful tasks on my last day, finding a solution to a problem, and then coming to a natural stop just before we have to go off to the meal. Thus, I get to end the year with that warm and contented glow of a job well done, with no niggly little things left over that it would have been really nice to finish up. And again: Huzzah!

I'll probably not be blogging much for the next week or so, though there will be the usual end-of-year reports. So, have a good Christmas and New Year. See you on the flip side.

#59: "King of Chaos", by Dave Gross

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

We went to see this on Saturday, in company with two friends of ours. The screening we attended was in 2D, in the standard frame rate, and at the VUE cinema in Stirling. I must note that I was impressed with the cinema, which was markedly better than the Cineworld we have next door, and the seats were much more comfortable than in the Grosvenor where we saw the first part of this trilogy.

The rest of this post will be hugely spoilerific, so I recommend not reading it until after you've seen the film. My short-form, non-spoiler review: this is very much the "Attack of the Clones" of this series - it has some absolutely stunning visuals, but is deeply flawed in a number of other ways. Oh, and like AotC those flaws include a cringe-inducing romantic subplot, only without even the justification that the subplot was necessary (as in AotC).

So, on with the spoilers.

You have been warned.

No, really. Go watch the film first. Honestly, it's better that way...

The film opens well enough - we have a quick flashback scene to remind us how we got where we are, then the dwarves on the run, then the dwarves meet Beorn, then on to Mirkwood, and then Galdalf runs off on a mysterious errand. All so good, so far.

Just one thing, though: it's all a bit of a rush. Like with "Hunger Games: Catching Fire", the film seems to be rushing through the plot - hit the plot point, move on, repeat. Only where HG:CF had an awful lot of plot to fit into a fairly small running time, "The Hobbit" has three movies, each longer than HG:CF. There's just no need to rush.

Then we have the spiders, and this is really good. Bilbo again shows his resourcefulness, the Ring shows the ability to translate the spiders' 'voices', Bilbo rescues the dwarves, they start to fight back, the tide turns...

And then, suddenly, the whole thing goes utterly, horribly wrong.

The music swells triumphantly, and in comes Legolas! in a wondrous display of Elf Awesomeness. He surfs in on a spider, bow going, then switches to his blades, hacking, slaying... and totally stealing the thunder of the stars of our films.

Now, I understand that Tolkien's elves were basically angels, were clearly superhuman, and were in every way superior to the lesser folks. So, while it rankled more than a bit, it was not unreasonable when Legolas! totally overshadowed Gimli in each and every regard. After all, they were but two of nine companions, were very much in the second rank of characters in Lord of the Rings, and so... fair enough, I guess.

But "The Hobbit" is about (well, Bilbo, yes, but also...) the dwarves and their quest to reclaim Erebor. This was their film, their chance to shine. And, behold, Jackson just has to bring in his favourite Legolas! to steal the show. Yay.

So, we get stage directions courtesy of "The Complete Book of Elves", and we have the introduction of the pet NPC to save our heroes. Suddenly, I understand how every "Forgotten Realms" player who has ever complained about Drizzt knows.

But worse was to come, because here comes Tauriel - the female elf.

Now, it is a fair criticism of "The Hobbit" that is has no female characters to speak of. However, believe it or not, that doesn't actually imply that you should add some - it's not unreasonable to instead just accept that it is what it is, and move on. After all "Master and Commander: the Far Side of the World" somehow managed not to bother, and it was okay. (Ironically, the Patrick O'Brian books actually do include some very significant women, but that's another rant.)

But, okay, fair enough - Jackson felt it was necessary to add a female character, and she was to be an elf called Tauriel. I don't actually have a problem with doing that - in principle.

But in practice...

In films, female characters in action movies must be strong. That's the key characteristic - if you're a woman in an action movie, you must, above all, be strong (or fiesty, or independent, or whatever - they're all the same thing). So, Tauriel is an elven ranger, a peer of Legolas!, a powerful and brave warrior. So...

The scene is contrived so Legolas! suddenly finds himself in trouble. The music swells triumphantly, and in comes Tauriel, hacking and slashing, and battering spiders left and right with her bow, and casually saving Legolas!, and generally be AWESOME.

Please.

And so, we have Tauriel upstaging Legolas!, who has just upstaged the heroes of our piece, Bilbo and the dwarves. Great.

So, it's off to the elven kingdom, and now comes then next big mistake with Tauriel.

See, it's important in films that while the female character must be strong, her other major purpose is to be the love interest of one or more of the heroes. She can't actually be independent; she necessarily must be the prize for one of our heroes - if she's very, very lucky, she gets to choose, but most often not.

So, we are treated to Tauriel and Kili flirting. And then to Legolas! smugly declaring his rival to be "no less ugly" than any other dwarf. And then to Tauriel and Thranduil commenting on how the king wouldn't let his son marry a commoner. (Now, if Tauriel were really independent, I think she might say something like, "who said anything about marriage..." but that's an aside.)

Basically, that whole section just sucks.

(I find it hard to express just how annoyed I am at Tauriel. See, there actually are other female characters in these films - the elf maids in Rivendell, the women in Laketown, and there was opportunity to include some in Bree or in the Shire. But to qualify for a voice, it seems, she has to be 'strong'. Effectively, she has to just be one of the lads. Except that she has to also look like Evangeline Lilly and do double duty as the love interest for a Man. Now, I'm not 100% sure of my definitions, but I think that while that might look a bit like feminism, I don't think it actually qualifies.)

(Oh, and it's important to note: absolutely none of this is Evengeline Lilly's fault. Actually, the whole cast does a very good job with the material that they are given. It's just that that material is... lacking.)

Then we have Bilbo once again rescuing the dwarves, followed by the barrel ride. This is one of the iconic scenes in the book, and something it's pretty hard to get wrong - it's just some dwarves, some barrels, and some very dangerous waters. How could that go wrong?

Well...

Apparently, George Lucas' directing technique was to say that everything should be "faster, more intense". It would appear that Peter Jackson has been taking lessons from this school.

Rather than just sticking with the book, Jackson decided that what we really need is the introduction an orc attack, then a rather confusing intervention by Legolas! and the elves (whose motivations are far from clear... weren't they supposed to be recapturing the dwarves? Why then help them escape?). Add in some really ill-considered humour, involving Bombur as bolwing ball, or dwarves as literal stepping stones to greatness for Legolas!, and then run the whole thing for way too long. Awesome!

And so, it's on to Laketown, for a much-needed holiday in something vaguely resembling the book.

Meanwhile, Gandalf is investigating signs of an ancient evil returned. Behold, for he has found nine empty tombs that once housed ancient evils. Behold, he has found a powerful concealment magic over Dol Guldur. Behold, he knows "it's most certainly a trap".

So, what does Gandalf, the ancient and wise wizard do, when faced with a trap, when faced with powerful magic, when not knowing what might await him, but when he does know it probably include the Witch King of Angmar (who he cannot defeat), and suspects it might include Sauron himself?

Why, he sends away his only ally, and then walks into the trap.

Right.

There are certain Hollywood-isms that you just get used to. One is the "villain gets captured in order to cunningly escape" as seen in "Skyfall", "The Avengers", "The Dark Knight", and others. Another is the "it's a trap! Next step? Spring the trap!"

Yeah, it's lovely. I do actually like to see such things... if done well.

But there's a huge problem here: it isn't done well. Tell me: what does Gandalf hope to achieve in Dol Guldur? What could possibly entice him to go in there and risk his life, rather than just posting a good watch, assembling a great and mighty host, and laying waste to the enemy. I mean, I know that's a crazy thought, but I didn't think he was a complete idiot. Maybe Saruman is right - perhaps his love of the halfling leaf truly has addled his wits.

Anyway, Gandalf goes in, and we have what is actually a really well done scene as he faces some orcs, and then the necromancer, and then realises who he truly is (hint: Gandalf was right all along), and then he gets himself captured.

And here's the next problem: why exactly did he get captured? Shouldn't he just be killed outright? Or has Scott Evil taught us nothing?

Right, back to Laketown. We get a whole bunch of padding here, but eventually some of the dwarves are off to the Lonely Mountain. Cool. They get there, they get in (thanks to Bilbo), and all seems well with the world.

So, Bilbo goes into Erebor in search of the Arkenstone, and accidentally wakes the dragon, and then they trade barbs for a bit, and then Bilbo runs for it.

And all this is fantastic. Really, really well done.

And then here come the dwarves to ruin it.

See, in the book the dwarves stay outside the place while Bilbo goes in, and then when the dragon is woken they take refuge inside, and since the dragon can't get them he goes off to destroy Laketown.

The reason the dwarves do this? Because Smaug is a bloody great dragon! He's absolutely, unbearably terrifying. If they go in, and they get detected, they die. It is, really, that simple - the last time they faced Smaug, he took down their kingdom, effortlessly.

Here, the dwarves go in, and we get about 40 minutes of them running around in Erebor, hiding from the dragon, and generally trying desperately not to die.

Well, that's just as good, isn't it? After all, the dwarves cowering in utter terror isn't very cinematic, but dwarves running for their lives is essentially the same thing, so why not have that?

The answer is much as above, though: that's fine, as long as it's done well. What happens instead is that the dragon has plenty of opportunities to kill some or all of the dwarves, but fails to take them... and does so for no good reason. Effectively, what we have is a Great Wyrm Red Dragon (CR 26), a bunch of low-level PCs (that is, no more than 5th level or so), and a DM who absolutely, steadfastly, refuses to kill a PC. And so he'll fudge every dice roll to achieve this, and when that still isn't enough he'll have his super-genius monster suddenly turn stupid.

Finally, the dwarves turn the tables on the dragon. They think they have it beaten... but no. And so Smaug... flies off the Laketown. The end.

No, really. This film doesn't so much have an ending as it... just stops. Which wasn't unexpected, but it does suck mightily. (And, it's an inherent flaw of splitting one book into more than one film. Beginning - middle - end doesn't really lend itself to beginning - middle - end - beginning - middle - end. Not that I'd expect professional storytellers to understand that... no, wait...)

So, this really is the "Attack of the Clones" of the series. It has some spectacular visuals. It has some good bits, even some really good bits. And the music is excellent. But, as a whole, it was terribly, crushingly disappointing. And, unlike every other one of Jackson's "Middle Earth" films, I can't imagine going to see this again in the cinema, nor indeed buying the 'regular' blu-ray when it comes out. I will probably get the extended edition... but mostly for completeness of the appendices than for any great desire to see the film itself again.

My final impression was pretty strong: wouldn't it be great if someone were to make a film of "The Hobbit"? Because this certainly wasn't it.

A Lucky Escape

So, on Friday LC discovered that her car had a flat tyre, which sucks. And so, early Friday afternoon, I drove out to the school to change the tyre.

This actually proved to be beyond me - although the process itself is both familiar and easy, when the time came to remove the wheel from the car I found that it was stuck fast, and there was just no shifting it. And so, rather embarrasingly, the call was made to the AA.

It turned out that the wheel had been on there a very long time, and the join had actually oxidised shut. So, short of hitting it with a mallet, there wasn't really any way I was getting it free. So, the Man Card remains intact for another day.

And so on Saturday morning I took the car to Kwik Fit, and asked the guy there to "take a look at it"... with the implied hope that they could repair, rather than replace, the tyre.

Haha. Some chance...

It turned out that that tyre had been on the car since it was manufactured, eight years previously. As, in fact, had all the other tyres as well, and all four of them were worn to the point of being dangerous, and borderline-illegal as well.

So, four new tyres, then. Gah!

On the other hand...

One of my few unbreakable rules is that there are two things you never mess about with on cars: the tyres and the brakes. If something isn't right with them, fix it - immediately. There are various other things that will need sorted with differing degrees of urgency, but those two, because of their critical bearing on safety, should never be neglected.

So, had we known the tyres were in that state, we would have had them replaced. (We should, of course, have known - an oversight on my part.) Given that those tyres were indeed dangerous, and especially heading into what might be a pretty rough winter, it's actually possible that that flat tyre actually did us a major favour - it's entirely possible that it saved LC's life.

(Funnily enough, everyone I've since told that anecdote to has pointed out that the police are also doing spot checks on vehicle tyres, and so we've also likely been saved a big fine and many points on a license. Funnily enough, that's a somewhat lesser consideration in my thinking.)

#56: "X-Wing: Mercy Kill", by Aaron Allston
#57: "Dodger", by Terry Pratchett (the new Book of the Year)
#58: "The Wine-Dark Sea", by Patrick O'Brian