Experimental Cookery 2012: Popular Pizza Pies (Calzone)

This one comes from the Hairy Biker's "Perfect Pies", which I picked up on a whim from Tesco some months ago, and hadn't yet found opportunity to use. A calzone, in case you're not aware, is essentially a folded pizza - it looks something like a Cornish pasty, but with an entirely different set of ingredients within. In theory, they're lovely.

I'm not going to lie to you: this one's a bit involved. Putting the dough together takes a good 20 minutes, and requires some work. It then needs to be left an hour to rise, most of which I found was taken up in making the sauce and frying up some ingredients (they recommend mushrooms and salami, but given LC's unreasoning prejudice against fungi, I instead opted for chorizo and red pepper; we're going to be experimenting in the future).

Anyway, mix, knead, rise... chop, fry, stir... wait, wait, wait...

Putting it all together was relatively nice and easy, then there was a fold, a roll, and more waiting while the seal fixes. Then brush it with oil, and put it in the oven for 25 minutes.

We cooked them in two batches, and elected to eat from the second batch (due to timing). As the first batch came from the oven, LC's reaction was "oh wow..." Yes, they look good. Indeed, see for yourself:

So, then... how was it?

In one word: excellent.

In several more words, it was pretty much ideal - the crust was nicely browned and cooked, the filling was hot and suitably intense. All in all, it was a winner. Certainly, it blew Tesco's equivalent out of the water quite spectacularly. (And, fortunately, we have four left over to freeze. Huzzah!) We're definitely going to be having these again, and will no doubt put them into the rotation (along with the curries, lasagne, burgers, etc - those things that we make up in a batch and then freeze for later).

Two things, though: we're going to have to do some experimentation with the fillings. The chorizo and red peppers were great, but there are so many options out there to be tried, and no reason not to experiment. And LC noted that they would have benefitted with something to dip the crust in; a barbeque sauce or similar.

Tonight, we opted to have a calzone each and a few chips as an accompaniment. In future, I think they might be better served to have one between us, a few more chips, and a salad or similar as a side. One each was great, but it did feel a bit too much.

Anyway, it's a winner. Recommended.

One other consequence of this is that I find myself inspired. Jamie, Hugh, and Lorraine all do pizzas in their books, and they're all much the same as the Biker's calzone. And I do like a good pizza. So, I'm just going to give them a go, and see if they supplant store bought, or even takeaway, pizzas in my affections. Of course, there's a danger inherent in that, as I found when I did the burgers... if they're too good, they'll leave me entirely dissatisfied with convenience burgers, while at the same time not really having time to do the job 'properly' every time. Oh well, I guess it's quite a nice problem to have.

#29: "Pride and Prejudice", by Jane Austen (the #1 book on The List!)
#30: "The Great Gatsby" by F. Scott Fitzgerald (a book from The List)

My Favourite Weather

I'm much more a winter person than a summer. Simply put, I don't like being too hot. But I do actually like the sunshine.

So, my favourite days are the ones you sometimes get in winter, when the air is freezing cold but the sun is bright in a cloudless sky. When it's pleasant to go out for a walk, albeit bundled up warm, but when your breath fogs in the air, and your footsteps lighty crunch through the light frost.

Conversely, you get days like today, when it is hot and sticky, but the sky is horribly overcast and it's miserable and wet. Those are probably the days I like least, being the worst of all possible worlds.

Buying Presents for a Six-Year-Old Boy

"He likes Tranformers, Lego and Superheroes." So, yeah, that's going to be a tough one.

In order to achieve this mighty quest, we went on Friday to our local toy store, which is less than ten minutes' walk from the flat. Once there, I proceeded to pick out the thing that most screamed out to my inner child to buy. Strictly speaking, there was a need to look out for something fitting the theme, but given that Transformers, Lego, and Superheroes are all inherently awesome, that's not so much a limitation as just a given.

Frankly, the only difficulty is choosing which of the three to get. And even that's less difficult than it seems: you can now get superhero-themed Lego (both DC and Marvel, which is even more awesome), and near-Lego Transformers.

The only problem is that modern Lego is just too awesome. Lego "Star Wars", Lego "Pirates of the Caribbean", Lego superheroes, Lego "Lord of the Rings"... It's a good thing they also put maximum ages on the box, or I could have spent a fortune in there!

Oh, and finally: Happy Birthday nephew #1!

Three Films

So last week, as part of our ongoing cultural exchange, I finally persuaded Lady Chocolat to watch "Highlander", "Independence Day", and "The Terminator". The results were distinctly mixed.

I hadn't watched "Highlander" for several years, pretty much since I first got the DVD. And it just hasn't aged well. It probably didn't help that it's actually one of the worst DVDs I own, in terms of sound and picture quality; even the otherwise-excellent soundtrack was distinctly patchy. We watched for fifteen increasingly-uncomfortably minutes, before I suggested abandoning it.

"Independence Day", on the other hand, was a rousing success. We watched the special edition version, with the 9 minutes of restored footage (which, to be honest, don't add anything). And it was good - better than I remembered, in fact. It's an easy film to mock, what with the whole "defeat the aliens with a MacBook" climax, but if taken as a big, stupid blockbuster, it's actually well done. (Plus, it blows "The Day After Tomorrow" and especially "2012" out of the water, so that's something.)

And then there was "The Terminator", which LC had particularly resisted because of the bad taste left by "Terminator 3", the one film in the series that she had watched. (Also the worst film in the series, although opinion seems to be divided between that and "Salvation".) Anyway, T1 was another film I hadn't watched in years, again, probably since just after I first got the DVD.

We got about 50 minutes into this one, and LC was actually enjoying it a great deal (as expected...) when suddenly the film just froze. I tried cleaning the disk a couple of times, but to no avail. It seems that disk rot has taken it. So, we'll try to borrow a copy to watch the rest at some point, and then that's probably another one to upgrade to blu-ray when it is released.

(But why, oh why, couldn't the disk rot take the bad films instead? It's not like there's a shortage in my collection - there are two "Transformers" films and two "Dungeons & Dragons" films it can take, for starters! Plus the aforementioned T3, and indeed at least one of the "Highlander" sequels they never made.)

Irreplaceable

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I was extremely surprised by how good the Olympics Opening Ceremony was. I was also somewhat shocked at just how well Team GM did at the games themselves. They excelled themselves, winning huge numbers of medals, and really improving the mood of the country.

It was bizarre. It was almost as if the country had taken a two-week holiday from its usual mediocrity.

In which case, last night's Closing Ceremony was the clearest possible indication that the holiday is over, and it's time to go back to things being rather pants.

I must admit, though, I was really impressed. When talking about it earlier in the day, I jokingly said that there could be worse things than the Spice Girls performing... only to admit that, no, there couldn't. That truly was the nadir, below which nothing worse was possible.

Turns out that I was wrong, a point made very, very clearly when Russell Brand came on. Dear oh dear.

Anyway, the Spice Girls were on, and they were just as awful as expected. I particularly liked the way they were miming, badly, and they hadn't bothered to get a good recording to use. It was almost as if they were being intentionally awful.

And despite this, worse was to come...

I have a certain amount of respect for Brian May and Roger Taylor for trying to soldier on with Queen despite the loss of their friend. Unfortunately, all they've achieved is to demonstrate that Freddie Mercury truly is irreplaceable. With the sole exception of their collaboration with George Michael, every "guest star" they have had since has resulted in the desecration of one of their classics. And last night's collaboration with Jessie J was no exception.

Actually, I suspect that's inevitable. When doing a cover version, you will always be compared with the original, and the better the original the harsher the criticism. That's why, when doing a cover version, you should always choose a song that had potential but where the original actually sucked, or something that was good but obscure. But under no circumstances should you attempt to cover something by Queen, because you're just not Freddie Mercury.

But the worst thing about that was not that the performance was woeful. The worst thing was that it was utterly unnecessary. Virutally nobody was performing live (including, I think, Brian May himself) - they were all performing to pre-recorded tracks. Which is fine - when the audience numbers in the billions, it takes nerves of steel to play live (if they even had that option).

However... if the vocals aren't live anyway, then Queen didn't need a "guest star" - just use footage of Freddie from when Queen were in concert. It's not like they didn't have it - they played such footage immediately before Queen took to the stage, as if to taunt us with what we were missing. ("Let's see what you could have won!")

But then, the organisers were already facing the problem that the highlight of their celebration of British music had come from Eric Idle, a comedian rather than a musician. Perhaps they felt it would have just been too much of a damning indictment to let a 20-year-dead icon steal the show.

Still, this has given a great idea to send to the BBC: they should do a 'talent' show in which Andrew Lloyd Webber leads the search for a singer/singwriter to create a new, more appropriate National Anthem for the country - a cheesy-pop number encapsulating that most British of themes, "we're a bit shit really, but we do our best".

(Oh, and yes, I did indeed just say that the performance by Queen was worse than the Spice Girls. Because the Spice Girls were no more awful than was always expected, but Queen's performance was an outright assault on something that should be awesome.)

Experimental Cookery 2012: Decadent Rosemary & Worcestershire Sauce Shepherd's Pie

Shepherd's Pie has something of a chequered past with me. Years ago, we used to be given store-bought Shepherd's Pie from the freezer aisle, and it was awful. Worse even than fish; this was the meal that I truly hated.

Time went by, and we stopped getting those frozen foods. And, eventually, Dad took up cooking Shepherd's Pie from a Coleman's sachet mix. Which was very nice - one of my favourites.

Well, except for one thing: technically, it wasn't Shepherd's Pie - he used beef mince, which made it Cottage Pie - close, but not the same.

The upshot of all of that being that this is actually the first time I've had a real, home-cooked Shepherd's Pie.

The recipe for this one came from Lorraine Pascale's book "Home Cooking Made Easy", which is one of the more approachable cookery books that I have. The only criticism that I have of this book, and it's a 'flaw' shared by most of them, is that there's a whole lot of work hidden in the list of ingredients, most of which require some preparation before use. (One of the major points in favour of Jamie's "Ministry of Food", in fact, is that he breaks this prep-work out into a separate section.)

Still, that's a quibble. The actual recipe itself was neatly laid out and pretty clear, apart from one part where we have to add an ingredient twice, at two separate stages. (I resolved this by adding half each time; I'm inclined to think it probably doesn't matter much.)

The meal took just over an hour to put together, from the start to getting it into the oven. This was slightly unfortunate, as I'd estimated quite a bit more, so wasn't really ready to eat when the cook-time finished!

Still, I had time to ponder, gather, and put together a very experiemental salad to go with it.

So, how was it?

Well, I liked it. Lady Chocolat liked it. So I guess that's a win!

Basically, it was exactly as you might expect - the filling was suitably meaty, the potato was nice and smooth, and it was just a really satisfying meal. Her suggestion to put a little grated cheese on top also seemed to be a winning idea, so that's good too.

The salad wasn't so good, but since that was essentially "here's what we have in the house", that's maybe not surprising. Even so, if I had skipped the chilli I suspect it would have been a winner in its own right.

So, that's that. We now have three spare portions of Shepherd's Pie for the freezer, suitable for reheating and use at a later time. Huzzah!

(Perhaps ironically, this was inspired by a comment about Shepherd's Pie made by one of the Hairy Bikers, and yet although we have their "Perfect Pies" book, I went with Lorraine's version. Of course, that means that some day soon I'll have to try their Cottage Pie recipe from that book, and see how they stack up to one another... Oh, the hardships!)

The World Pipe Band Championships 2012

This one was always going to be an endurance test. To be honest, even going in I was of mixed feelings: did I want the band to do really well, or did I secretly want them to fall on their faces and come last? The latter isn't a pleasant line of thought, but I would be lying if I didn't consider it.

The bus left for the Worlds at 6:15, but the band weren't playing until 14:45. This ridiculous state of affairs was brought about by the organisers requiring all buses to be on the park by 7:30, no exceptions.

As a result of this, most of the band (ourselves included) elected instead to stay in bed and to get the train in. This made for a much more pleasant morning than is the norm for such things. So we got up, put on the requisite sunblock (which I hate, but which certainly proved its worth), and caught the 10:42 train. A short walk later, and we were on the park.

The band spent the better part of two hours getting ready, which involved a whole lot of messing around with drones, micro-adjustments to chanters, and general nuisance. Still, in theory, all that work should pay off with a much better sound.

Alas, it was not to be. Ten seconds before we went on, a final adjustment was made to my chanter, which moved the High A from "slightly out" to "completely out". And so, every time we hit that note during our performance, I cringed.

(Given the above, I feel I must note that it wasn't me who made that adjustment. So, for that at least, I'm not to blame.)

The performance was, quie frankly, bad. As soon as we'd finished I knew we had no chance of qualification. (Actually, I've known for months, but there are levels of "knowing".) Indeed, although the sound was much better from most of the pipes, the actual playing was considerably worse than in Ireland.

And that included from myself. I had a bad start, made several mistakes, had a bad finish, and of course had a mis-tuned High-A. It was hardly a vintage performance from myself.

Next, we had to hang around for the result, which sure enough confirmed that we hadn't qualified. And then we had to hang around for the march-past...

But not. At this point, the Pipe Major got the train home. The Lead Drummer soon followed. (And a few of the other members followed suit for various reasons.) There was talk that we weren't invited to do the march-past; in any case, we didn't have a band to do it.

Eventually, at half seven, the stewards allowed our driver to extract the bus, and we were able to go home. The day, thankfully, was over.

In hindsight, we should really have gotten return tickets for the train. That way, as soon as the PM and LD left, we could likewise have headed home. But, after last year's fiasco, I really didn't want to run out on the band. Oh well. Won't make that mistake again.

Fortunately, there is now only one competition to go. The two practices this week, plus the competition itself, have served as very strong evidence that I've made the right decision to leave.

Ah, finally, the result: Out of 18 bands in our qualification round, we came 15th, scoring 18th and 16th in piping, and 18th in ensemble. The one major positive was for the drummers, who came 5th. Well done to them. I'm not really sure how that compares with last week - on the one hand, we weren't last. On the other, we came in a worse numerical position. And on the third hand, we would have been last were it not for a much-improved drum corps.

#28: "Star Wars: Choices of One", by Timothy Zahn

Priorities in the News

On Monday, I was really quite disheartened to find that the news about the successful touch-down of the new Mars rover was buried in the news under a lengthy report on the Olympics, and even under celebrity gossip. Indeed, in the news headlines on the radio, it wasn't mentioned at all.

So, a massively-important breakthrough in science and technology, that may well have massive implications in all our lives* is considered less important that what is, frankly, a glorified circus event for the pacification of the mob**, and even less important than Natalie Portman's secret wedding?

Hmm, I wonder why it is so many of our young people aspire to be reality TV stars, and so few seek to become inventors, scientists, and engineers.

* And that's not an exaggeration. Even if the rover doesn't find evidence of water on Mars, the technologies developed to land the thing will find their way into commercial applications. At a guess, the first benefit we'll see from this will be some safety improvements in the next generation of cars. I mean, I know it's not cool and sexy when slightly fewer people die in crashes in a year, but it's still quite good, isn't it?

** That's probably not fair to the athletes themselves, who truly are the best at what they do, who have gone to great lengths to become the best, and who deserve their plaudits. But I do find myself wondering what the government have planned for next year - they need to find some way to avoid a repeat of the riots.

The worst thing that has ever, ever happened, ever!

Yes, it's so horrifically bad that it requires three "ever"s. This isn't hyperbole at all!

Last night, LC and I were talking about exam results, and at one point I noted that it was unlikely for a 'B' to be upgraded to an 'A' on appeal.

At which point LC noted that she had her History higher upgraded in exactly that manner.

And thus, the very foundations of my world were shaken - for I too have a History higher, which was also upgraded on appeal - from a 'C' to a 'B'.

Oh no!

I shall now go and hang my head in shame.

My Life as a Mad Genius

At the weekend, Lady Chocolat found ourselves on the topic of deep-fried Mars bars. Who can say what manner of bizarre conversationing took us to this pass.

Anyway, LC noted that were we do cook DFMBs, it would be best to get the inaptly-named "fun size" ones, so that it would be possible to eat an entire bar. The thinking being that of course full size Mars bars are entirely impossible to eat.

At which point I was able to deploy one of the great secrets I have learned: the way to eat a Mars bar!

Some years ago, I became keenly aware of the difficulties inherent in eating an entire Mars bar. Frankly, they're too much effort. But, at the same time, I refuse to dignify "fun size" Mars bars as anything other than a cruel trick played on children. (I mean, seriously, who thinks it's fun to get less chocolate?) And so, a solution had to be found.

Being a mad genius, not to mention an engineer (and thus a compulsive problem-solver), I naturally spent an age pondering the issue. Why were Mars bars so hard to eat? Could they be made easier to eat, perhaps with the application of a carefully-thought out algorithm?

Finally, late one night, the answer came to me! The way to successfully eat a Mars bar is upside down*! See, the reason for the difficulty is that when you eat one the right way up, you're biting first through the chewy toffee and then into the soft caramel. This means that you're having to go to some effort to take a meaningful bite. If, however, you eat the bar upside down, you are instead biting down through the soft caramel, followed by the chewy toffee. It's just a much easier process.

* Incidentally, because someone managed to misunderstand me when I told them this (no, really!), you turn the Mars bar upside down. You don't need to be standing on your head!

Nobody ever believes me when I tell them this. Worse, they most often refuse even to test my theory, and thus discover that it actually is correct. (Seriously, it is - if you don't believe me, just try it.) Instead, they prefer to just laugh at the silliness of thinking that it (a) might make any real difference, or (b) that I actually spent time thinking about it.

Fortunately, I get to console myself with Mars bars. But it's a hard life being me.

Brave

I've just had a much better weekend. Lots of rest, some nice weather for a change, no long journeys, and relatively little awfulness from the band. So, that's all to the good.

On Friday, Lady Chocolat and I headed off to the cinema to see "Brave", Pixar's latest film. Which has been released in Scotland and Ireland ten whole days before the English release because... well, just because I guess. Maybe they've been distributing guides to the accent or something, so our English friends can unnerstaun it, or something.

I enjoyed it immensely.

"Brave" is an animated film suitable for children, but it's definitely one of the more "adult" Pixar films - it's much more "The Incredibles" than "Finding Nemo", or "Cars". While there is some comedy (and genuinely funny comedy at that), the story is really quite grown-up in nature. Or at least, I thought so.

The next two paragraphs have a couple of minor spoilers, so you might want to skip them, or the rest of the post...

The film was also quite unusual, in that at its centre it was about the relationship between a mother and her daughter - it's actually much more common for films, and especially animated films, to be about fathers and sons, about brothers, or be 'buddy' movies about two men.

But an animated, fantasy, action-oriented film about a mother and her daughter? Yeah, you don't get that very often.

There's not really much more to say. The film shows the same care and attention to detail that can be expected from all Pixar films, they have a great cast (mostly with authentic, rather than Hollywood, accents - no Mel Gibson here), the animation is flawless, the songs are suitable emotive (but lacking the sucker punch of "Toy Story 2"). And at no point did anything in the 3D fail to work for me.

Basically, it's just a really, really good film.

#27: "Conqueror", by Conn Iggulden (The fifth and final part of a six-book series. No, I don't get how that works. Also, an excellent book, almost as good as "Death of Kings". I wonder what he's going to do next?)

Et tu, Brutus?

Or "Yep, I thought that might happen", or even "Last chance to see..." This post could have many titles. It sucks in all of them.

The two weeks since the Pipe Major quit have been the hardest since I joined the band. It seems that every day there has been some new issue that has cropped up requiring immediate attention. And all of this has been to a backdrop of a stressful time at work as well, not to mention my still trying to recover from a horrible cough that just won't go away. The thing that kept me going, mostly, was that I was getting an opportunity to lead the band out at the World Championships next week - an opportunity I hadn't expected, hadn't sought out, but was more than happy to take as I wouldn't get another one.

Can you guess what's coming yet?

At Ireland, our Lead Drummer told me that he had spoken to a friend of his (also a band member), who had indicated that he would be willing to take over until the end of the season. ("To take the pressure off you," he said...)

On the ferry home from Ireland, I told the committee that I wanted to decline this, that I wanted to lead the band myself for the next four weeks. They agreed that this was right. On Monday, I also said this to the band, and asked if there were any objections, and there were not.

Or so I thought...

When he got home, the Lead Drummer proceeded to send an email to the Treasurer, saying that the band had to have a meeting to formally elect an interim Pipe Major. Technically, he was correct, though I had hoped not to bother due to the fact that it was a matter of two months to the AGM, a matter of two competitions, and frankly because we didn't need the distraction.

But, as I said, he was technically correct. And so, we had a meeting.

As expected, the Lead Drummer nominated his friend, and was seconded by another friend. Fair enough. I was nominated also. We therefore had the vote.

And I didn't get it, on an 8-7 majority.

Now, here's the thing: had this been a matter of appointing a full-time PM, I would have stepped aside. But it wasn't - it was a matter of finding someone to fill a space for two competitions.

And, indeed, if I had thought it would make any actual difference, I would have stepped aside. But again, I don't believe that - we're not going to qualify for the final at the Worlds, and we're not going to win a prize at Cowal. At the most, the difference that this might make is between "last" and "not last". Yay.

So, under those circumstances, I believe I should have been given my chance. I believe I had done enough to deserve it this time out.

But fair enough. The band are absolutely within their rights to elect someone else. And, for the good of the band, I will now give the new Pipe Major my full support for the remaining two competitions.

Still, I find this desperately disappointing. And I've now reached my limit - I've given everything I have to give to the band. There's nothing left. As of the AGM, I'm done. Because I have rights too, and it's time to exercise them.

The Olympics

Not a fan. Sorry.

Firstly, the good: The opening ceremony was fantastic, and was exactly what it should have been. In light of Beijing, and our utter and obvious inability to outdo them in terms of sheer spectacle, it was absolutely the right decision to take the ceremony in a completely different direction. And it was good. I particularly enjoyed both the "Bond" segment and the "Mr Bean" segment.

I also don't object particularly to the spend. It is, generally speaking, right that the UK bid for events of this sort, and that does indeed mean bringing the Olympics to London and, potentially, the World Cup to England. Fair enough. (Although, that said, if the bidding process is corrupt, as I think we must suspect, we should be declining to take part, and very noisily highlighting that corruption. But that's another issue.) And, of course, having won one of these events, we really need to "do it right"... even if with hindsight, I think we would have preferred Paris had had this one.

And I don't really object to the sporting side of the event, although as I've mentioned before, I'm uncomfortable with the way our sporting elite also tends to be our economic elite. I'm also rather uneasy with the emphasis that we place on sport in the first place - we idolise our athletes, our footballers, our (well, England's) cricketers, Andy Murray... but, really, is that where we should be putting our attention? Where are the "math Olympics"? Where are the ultra-high profile celebrations of engineering talent, or industry, or, yes, the NHS and education?

But that's not what really hacks me off...

What really hacks me off is that we have utterly ruined our major sporting events by letting the sponsors get their hands on them, and we have also allowed these extra-national bodies (the IOC and FIFA) far too much power to dictate terms to host nations. Frankly, we should have told them to sod off a long time ago, and if the demands were a necessary prerequisite for hosting the event, then we should not have signed up in the first place.

So, to host the Olympics we required a special law, controlling the use of various Olympics-related terms for advertising purposes, and over and above the normal trademark, copyright, and IP protection laws (which are already draconian)? Sod off. To host the Olympics, we require special lanes set aside in an already-congested London road system (which then cannot be used by the citizens of this country who paid for and own the damn things in the first place)? Sod off. To host the Olympics, we need to disrupt a multitude of already-struggling small businesses, to suit the already-ultra-rich sponsors? Sod off.

The monetary price of the Olympics was high, but was acceptable. But the undignified crawling to the IOC (even if the process actually was fair), the unreasonable acquiescence to their demands, and especially the disgusting suspension of the normal rule of law?

Yeah, that's unacceptable. Not a fan. Sorry.

European Pipe Band Championships 2012

Oh, the week I had...

A week ago last Friday, while LC and I were travelling down to my cousin's wedding (more on which later), the pipe major of the band finally decided that enough was enough, and resigned, effective immediately. To be honest, I couldn't blame him either for doing this or for his timing, nor was it at all surprising. But it did drop me in it, of course.

Over the course of the weekend, before I could get everyone together and try to start rebuilding things, it all kicked off. I guess it's the down-side of things like Facebook - people can say things will an immediacy that wasn't previously available, emails can be sent while angry, and so forth. The upshot was that by the Monday, my already-hard task of getting the band ready for the competition was suddenly that much harder.

So, I spent the week running here and there, speaking to various people, smoothing ruffled feathers, and generally getting things back to some sort of normality.

Anyway, we had two practices, and I was gratified to learn that all the band members who had signed up to go to Ireland were still intending to go to Ireland, and indeed were mostly planning to stick with the band. Unfortunately, though, quite a few people couldn't make it to practices that week - two pipers and more than half of the drum corps were missing. This would come back to bite us.

So, we got ready as best we could. And then, come Friday morning, we got on to the bus at the disgusting hour of 7am. (Which had meant getting up at 5:30, which is pretty evil.)

The journey to Ireland was then mostly uneventful. There was a blessed lack of drunkeness, and things were generally calmer than they had been the previous couple of years. I was actually a lot happier about this trip than I had been.

We arrived at the hotel about 2:30 in the afternoon, got checked in, and spent a little time wandering Belfast city centre, although we had to return to the hotel to avoid a nasty shower. Sadly, the available time wasn't quite enough to do anything meaningful with the time; LC and I will have to return to Belfast some time for a real visit. Later, several members of the band went out for the evening to grab a bite to eat, before returning to the hotel for a pint, and to watch some of the Opening Ceremony (and more on that later, too). And then, bed.

The start of the Saturday did not go well. I had made certain to tell everyone, "meet in reception at 8:45". That gave us plenty of time to get on the bus, get to the competition site, and get set up. 8:45 came and went, and a key member of the band was missing. (We later learned that he hadn't slept well, had therefore slept in, and so was running very late.) After a significant delay, we set off without him.

We got about 300 yards, just far enough to make turning back an impossibility, before we discovered that we didn't have the bus pass needed to get us into the car park. Our travel convenor wasn't on the bus (she had decided to stay in Belfast and join us later), and had forgotten to hand over the pass.

So, we made a call, and she jumped into a taxi to follow us. Meanwhile, the bus carried on, and I desperately hoped they'd let us in anyway... or at least let us unload before banishing the bus. In the event, they let us in... and the travel convenor arrived two minutes later with the now-unnecessary bus pass.

The band were given instructions to gather to get started at 10am. Meanwhile, I went to sign us in and get a programme. And things started to calm down.

We gathered, we proceeded to get ready, and things proceeded... okay. Not great, but okay. This was the point where we really started to suffer from the loss of our previous pipe major, though, because we didn't really have anyone with the expertise to set up the chanters and the drones just so. (For those who aren't experts, a single piper typically has three drones that need to be tuned to match the individual chanter, which can be set to a more-or-less arbitrary frequency; a band requires that all the chanters share the same frequency, and indeed that all the individual notes be adjusted using tape so that they all match, and then that all the drones be set to match.) And the guy who is our next-best option? He was the guy who slept in.

Oh, and of course the people who hadn't made it to the practices were quite far out from where they should have been - an inevitable consequence of missing those practices. So, there was work to be done, and nobody really with the time or expertise to do it. Damn.

About 10:20, our late-sleeping member arrived in a taxi, and started to get ready at some speed. Ten minutes later, we moved round from the bus park to the tuning field, and had our final tuning. The net result? We knew there was still a lot to be done with the pipes, but just had to go with it. But the play... I was reasonably happy with the play. Anyway, the steward came, so it was time to go on.

I remember very little after that. I remember messing up the command to halt (pipe bands, unlike the BB, don't use check-paces, which means everything I know is wrong). I remember shaking as I told the band to relax and enjoy it. And I remember being enormously relieved when it was all over. That's about it.

To be honest, I was delighted just to get on and play. So, once the band was off the competition field, I made sure to thank and congratulate everyone. And then, we waited - because that was just the qualification round, and we might have to do it all again later.

Well, no such luck. They announced the results at 12:30, and we didn't make the cut. This wasn't really a surprise - in Ireland, against all the Irish bands (who are generally very good) it was always going to be a challenge, and that was before the pipe major quit. With that, and everything else we'd been fighting against...

LC and I went for lunch at this point, and ate far too much. We also proceeded to get both rained on and sunburnt, because that was the sort of day it was.

At 2:30, they released the commentary sheets. There were thirteen bands in our qualifying heat, and we were last. We came 11th and 13th in piping, 10th in drumming, and 11th in ensemble. But, to be honest, I wasn't bothered by that in the slightest - I take the view that only the qualifying positions matter, and that the difference between 7th and last is essentially meaningless. (Incidentally, of the six qualifiers from our heat, 5 were Irish. Of the prize-winners in our grade, all six were Irish. That's not a complaint, merely an observation - as I said, the Irish bands are very good.)

What was surprisingly reassuring, though, was the commentary on the feedback sheets. Both judges put a great deal of emphasis on the pipes not really being set up correctly. Which sounds bad, but is actually a good thing - both because we knew that, and also because it's a mechanical thing which is quite easy to fix. The other thing they said was that the play was quite nervy, which is also not surprising. It is, of course, difficult to get people to relax in a situation than that... but I guess that's what we'll need to do.

But the important thing was that this was not the critical mauling that I had feared. And it gives us a platform from which to proceed. If we can get the pipes set up better for the Worlds (which should be easy enough), and if we can just get a bit of confidence into the play, that by itself will be enough for a better result.

The rest of the afternoon dragged past slowly. It would have been good at this point to gather the band back on the bus, return to the hotel, and call it a day at that. Unfortunately, we had sold a number of seats to another band, and they had qualified, so we were stuck there. (There might have been options, but we didn't explore them. Perhaps a mistake.) Still, we waited, and then we did the march past, and then we waited some more. It was somewhat heartening to see two of our local bands win the Grade 2 and Grade 1 contests. Congratulations to them.

We eventually got back to the hotel, LC and I had showers, and then we went for dinner in the hotel restaurant, which was okay. And then we went to bed.

The journey home was largely uneventful, although a few people had a few too many. Still, we got home without any fights, without any travel sickness, and without any great trouble. While on the ferry, I spoke to the committee, and said that I want to lead the band out at both the Worlds and Cowal (since I won't get another chance), but that I'm not a candidate for taking over permanently.

My current plan is to remain in position on an interim basis, until the band finds a new permanent PM. At that point, it is my intention to fade out of the band - firstly by reducing my attendance at practices and by not competing, and then later by giving up my various responsibilities altogether at the end of next year. I've come to the unfortunate realisation that the only time I've really been happy at the band recently is when the PM has been away and I've been in charge... but that I'm also not the right person to take the band forward (and don't have the time or energy besides). So, for the good of the band I have to step aside, but for the good of myself, I don't really want to work with another pipe major (whoever that may be).

There are now two competitions remaining. The Bridge of Allan Highland Games have been cancelled, and any effort to put together a band for a contest on the Saturday have failed (can't say I mind that). That leaves the World Championships in two weeks, and then the dread Cowal in four weeks. After that, the band will take several weeks off, before returning for our AGM.

There was one other really good thing that came out of the weekend: I finally finished "Clear and Present Danger"!

#24: "Clear and Present Danger", by Tom Clancy (the worst book of the year to date)
#25: "Pathfinder: The Island of Empty Eyes", by Neil Spicer
#26: "Pathfinder: The Price of Infamy", by Time Hitchcock

The Dark Knight Rises

Lady Chocolat and I went to see this on Friday, shortly before jumping in the car for a long drive down to England. The short version of my review: it's an outstanding film, and you should go and see it now.

The film is exceptionally well-made. The cast is universally excellent, the special effects are seamless, and all in all it's just about perfect. There are a couple of issues with the sound - firstly, the score is so loud that both LC and I left with headaches that took quite some time to subside; and some of the dialogue from Bane can be hard to follow at times. Which is a shame, because this Bane is very different from the one in "Batman & Robin", and actually has significant dialogue.

Some of the early reviews of this film have claimed that the film is almost incoherent. I can only presume that the reviewers weren't paying attention, or perhaps didn't realise that this was a film that actually has a plot, beyond the standard action-movie excuses for blowing things up. Either that, or they just didn't like it, but wanted to dress that up in fancy words. But actually, the film hangs together extremely well, with characters having actual motivations, with the twists being both surprising at the time and yet obvious in hindsight, and with the whole being greater than the sum of its parts.

"The Dark Knight Rises" is very much a piece with "Batman Begins" and "The Dark Knight" (such that if you didn't see those films, don't bother watching this one). It's also very definitely the conclusion of a trilogy - this film picks up dangling plot threads from the first and second film, resolves some and continues others, but it also generally comes to an end. I can see a way for them to continue the story if they so wished... but if they never do then it will remain entirely satisfying and complete.

Now, about that plot... (I'm going to avoid spoilers, so feel free to read on.)

I found the first half or so of the film almost unwatchably painful, but in a good way - the director and actors did a marvellous job in setting the scene, in gradually stripping away all the comforts that normally surround Bruce Wayne/Batman, and in generally taking things to a very, very dark place. It's rough, it's horrible, and it made me want to run screaming from the cinema. I don't think any other film has ever had quite that impact on me (even "The Descent", the only film so scary I had to pause it and take a break).

And then there's the Rise. Because, of course, this is a superhero film, and the end of a trilogy - it's just not done to drop down into Hell and then stop there (though that would be awesome). Without going into spoiler territory, I can't say much more than that, but I can say that I found the conclusion of the film to be suitably epic, to be extremely satisfying, and to make a lot of sense within the context of the film. Good stuff.

I do have three nitpicks with the plot, but I can't go into them without spoilers. So if you want to know, ask me about it some time. They are really nitpicks, though, and don't have too much impact on the whole.

The big question remains, though: is this better than "Avengers Assemble"? And the answer is yes... and no... and yes... and no. Basically, it's like asking which is better: a hammer or ice cream - they're so fundamentally different, and each so excellent in their own way, that it's really not possible to pick a winner. I enjoyed AA more... but found DKR more satisfying as a whole.

Ultimately, I'm just glad we have both. Truly, fans of superheroes have been spoiled this year.

This Weekend, I...

This weekend I finally contacted Sky and cancelled my contract. Which I feel is quite quick and efficient, given that I've only been talking about it for about three years, since "Lost" and "24" ended. The guy on the phone did try to talk me around, but he didn't try very hard - a 25% discount for 6 months really doesn't bridge a 168-hour gap in their weekly schedule. The one thing I will miss is the ability to record things - will need to look into some sort of Freeview/Freeset recorder.

This weekend I mentally checked out of band. Just as I thought things were getting better the battlelines were drawn again. And I'm not interested in fighting to make things better if I'm doing it alone. There needs to be a spirit of compromise, or there's no point. (It doesn't help that I haven't been enjoying the playing side for the couple of months since Dunbar, and I'm certainly not enjoying the administration side.) I don't really want to leave, as I feel this is as much my band as anyone's, but it's come to a point where I don't want to stay either. So, I'll give them until the end of the season, but if things don't dramatically improve, I'll be walking away at that point.

This weekend I tried to spend the gift vouchers I got for my birthday, with mixed success. The HMV gift card went on the blu-ray of the "Muppets" movie, which remains good fun. I especially enjoyed all the parody trailers on the disc, and also the previews for "Brave" and "Planes". The deleted scenes were a mixed bag, but mostly I was glad that the plot of the show was changed, leading to their removal.

However, I failed to use my Waterstone's vouchers. The store in Falkirk had one book I decided I wanted, but I decided to try the one in Glasgow and pick it up there. The store in Glasgow didn't have the book in question (typical), and while it did have a book I was kinda-sorta interested in... I decided to hold onto the vouchers and consider using them later. After all, there's no rush. (Ironically, the book I do want is "Conquerer" by Conn Iggulden, which comes out in paperback today. However, Tesco will probably have it for £3, rather than the £8 price at Waterstone's. So, no voucher there.)

This weekend I went to the Kelvingrove museum, where I had all sorts of great ideas for the next chapter of the game. Which is lucky, since I was supposed to do two hours of prep work this weekend, and utterly failed.

This weekend, Lady Chocolat and I rewatched "Batman Begins" and "The Dark Knight", in preparation for Batman-day. Surprisingly, I found I enjoyed the first of the two more than the second; although "The Dark Knight" is an outstanding film, and Heath Ledger in particular is brilliant, it was extremely long and actually felt quite tiring. However, I don't know what they could consider removing to improve it, since everything in the film is essential to the film. I'm also a little concerned that "The Dark Knight Rises" may be labouring under "Phantom Menace"-level expectations; between the first two films in the trilogy, and the need to beat "Avengers Assemble", it has a massive job to do.

This weekend, we also played through a significant portion of "Lego Pirates of the Caribbean". It was good fun, except for one particularly frustrating section. (Seriously, three-dimensional jumping puzzles on a two-dimensional screen, when you don't have control over the camera? Whose idea was that?) We've now made our way through "Dead Man's Chest", which managed to be better than the film, in the same manner as the first "Lego Star Wars" game.

This weekend, I got a haircut. It's funny how you don't realise how untidy it has become until it gets tidied up.

And that's pretty much it. For all that this weekend was supposed to be a really quiet one, we got an awful lot done. And it was mostly good. Mostly.

They're Building a Helipad at Roses

Okay, so I spent most of yesterday depressed, bored, and angry. You may have noticed.

Fortunately, the band had a gig yesterday at which it appeared that the clouds are beginning to lift. We even managed to find the half hour this week when it stopped raining. (Next week's break in the rain is scheduled for the Saturday...)

Anyway, LC has made me promise to make today's blog post (or posts) light-hearted and funny. So, reform of the House of Lords, then...

As for the title of this post. In Edinburgh at the moment, there are roadworks on Quality Street.

All That's Wrong? No. But Something That's Wrong...

So, a few weeks ago, the headteacher at a private girls' school described a cover of Zoo magazine featuring Kim Kardashian as "all that's wrong with society". She then went on to explain her reasoning on the Guardian's "Comment is Free" page. (To be honest, I wouldn't bother reading the article. Her premise is correct, but as with so much on the Comment is Free site, the reasoning is sloppy.)

Anyway, I considered posting a rant about it at the time, but then decided against.

However, yesterday Amy Childs (apparently of "The Only Way is Essex" 'fame') weighed into the discussion, leaping to the defence of Kardashian. And rather spectacularly managing to shoot her point in the foot by not actually understanding what she was arguing against.

See, the point that the headteacher was making was not "Kim Kardashian is all that's wrong with society", it was "this picture of Kim Kardashian is all that's wrong with society". So, in defending KK (and, by extension, other reality 'stars' like herself), she actually defended her against a charge that had not been made. (Her defence was also incorrect, but I'll get to that.)

Now, as for my original rant...

Clearly, neither Kim Kardashian nor the Zoo cover picture of the same is all that's wrong with society. There is, after all, plenty of blame to go around.

However, the wider point remains valid - Zoo's approach to rating women purely on 'sexiness', and further in boiling that quality down to a number to be rated (which in any case is nothing more than a thinly-veiled excuse for printing pictures of scantily-clad women for their readership to ogle), really is both sexist and demeaning (to all concerned).

But, of course, Zoo is far from alone in this. In fact, our society is soaked in this imagery, and the attitudes that drive it. After all, although I haven't seen Zoo's list, I can confidently predict that it amounts to the standard list of this year's pop stars, reality 'stars', actresses, and soft-porn stars. All of whom are required to do photo-shoots wearing relatively little to drive their careers - Rihanna, for example, is actually a relatively capable singer, but you'd be hard-pressed to spot it given that she's required to spend most of her act looking and acting like a stripper.

(And, of course, the poster child for this is Abi Titmuss, who gave up a career as a nurse in order to become a soft-porn star. For which she was rewarded with money, fame, and more respect than she had had previously. If that doesn't show just how fucked up our priorities are, I don't know what does.)

But let's not think this is all about men, and men's magazines, and men's entertainment. After all, Rihanna is marketed at teenage girls. "The Only Way is Essex" and "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" are made for, and overwhelmingly watched by, women.

And then there's the fashion industry, which appears to be run by men who hate women, which employs almost obscenely thin models who are then required to torture themselves for their 'art'... and which has a business model driven by women. The reason the fashion industry uses stick-thin models is that women are more likely to buy clothes modelled by thin women.

Or the cosmetics industry, which now presents women with an image of beauty that is literally impossible, invites women to recognise that they don't measure up, and then suggests that their products will 'fix' these alleged imperfections. (But then, if the model in the ad is wearing hair extensions, or eyelash inserts, or... why would people buy into these outright lies. And yet they do, which is why they do it.)

Or the diet industry, which again is largely based on lies. "Special K" is advertised to women... and does so using a scantily-clad woman who didn't get that figure simply by eating "Special K". Or, of course, there's the glossy magazines with their weekly "miracle diets" that promise painless, fast weight loss. If they work at all, they're based on deeply unhealthy habits. (Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if I saw the headline "Is the miracle diet we told you about two weeks ago killing you?" Because the answer, quite often, would be 'yes'.)

Fundamentally, these industries have based their entire business model on making women hate themselves. It's deeply unpleasant... and yet women buy into it in disturbing numbers.

(Returning to Zoo and its ilk for the moment, I'm at something of a loss as to what should be done. See, freedom of expression is really important, even speech we don't like. And nobody is being forced to do these shoots - if women choose to do so, they should have that right. So, ultimately, what needs to change is that the women involved will have to stop consenting to their own objectification. I don't like leaving it at that, but alas that's where I think I have to stand.)

Of course, men aren't exempt from attempts to make them hate themselves so they'll buy product. Take a look at the likes of "Men's Health" magazine, and you'll see much the same thing - miracle workout routines to build muscle fast (coupled with cover models who didn't get that way following those routines). And, of course, the advert with David Beckham posing in his underwear, complete with computer-enhanced 'package', is not even a little different from the "Special K" model. It's just taking longer, but we're getting there - more and more boys are developing eating disorders, seeking out cosmetic surgery, and buying all manner of 'product' - basically, falling into exactly the same self-destructive behaviours that the glossy magazine/diet/cosmetic/fashion industries have been driving women to for decades.

Now, as for Amy Childs...

A key part of her defence of Kim Kardashian was that reality stars "aren't doing anyone any harm". (Incidentally, Jordan has used the same argument in the past regarding herself.)

Except that they are. Every time a girl gets herself a boob job rather than an education, every time she aspires to be a talentless zelebrity rather than a teacher (or nurse, or scientist, or astronaut, or...), every time she throws herself at a footballer* rather than having the self-respect to want something better, she is being harmed - especially for the overhwelming majority who don't 'make it' and so don't get to live the life of the rich and famous.

* Not that there's anything wrong with footballers. It's the "throwing herself" part that's the issue.

And Kim Kardashian is particularly destructive, since to Keep Up with her you need to start immensely rich, with at least minor fame in the family. Simply putting out a sex tape isn't enough - without the money and famous name, that just makes you a porn star.

(And, of course,all the above applies equally to boys. Except perhaps the boob job. And the footballer.)

I've gone on too long. But this is an issue that really pisses me off. We've almost completely failed those even just a few years younger than myself. And it's getting worse.

The Centre Cannot Hold

Problems continue to brew at the band. Morale is at a very low ebb, several of the relationships are breaking down, and the competition season is going badly, and so failing to distract everyone from everything that's going wrong.

Still, with a bit of luck the tide is starting to turn. The reality is that we're all in this together, and nobody benefits if the band collapses. So, hopefully we can start to mend those fences before things go too far.

Of course, it would help if everyone was on the same page about how things were supposed to work...

The management of the band is really made up of two parts, neither of which can function on its own, and neither of which is truly independent. These are the playing side and the administrative side. The committee is supposed to be made up of both.

A single person can fill two or more roles on the committee and in the band. However, the committee should be at least 10 people strong, with a quorum of half the membership required for a meeting to take place. (Due to various factors, our current committee is reduced to 8, with only 5 regularly able to attend meetings. Yes, this is one of the problems we're currently facing.)

On the Playing Side

The key people on the playing side are as follows:

• The Pipe Major: The Pipe Major is in overall charge of the band. He's responsible for setting the musical direction of the band, for choosing the tunes, for teaching the band, and for generally getting the band ready for events and competitions. As a practical manner, the Pipe Major must also liase closely with every other member of the committee, as everyone will need to bounce ideas off him. The Pipe Major is elected by the band at the AGM, although this tends to be a formality as there is usually only one real choice.
• Pipe Sergent(s): In short, the Pipe Sergent steps in when the Pipe Major is unavailable. In general, the PS is in charge only on a temporary basis, so shouldn't be making any sweeping decisions! The Pipe Sergeants are appointed by the Pipe Major.
• Lead Drummer: Just as the Pipe Major selects scores and teaches the pipers, so to does the Lead Drummer select scores and teaches the drum corps. The Lead Drummer is appointed by the Pipe Major.
• The band also (officially) has a Development Band, with its own Pipe Major and Lead Drummer, although this has fallen by the wayside this year. Again, these individuals are appointed by the Pipe Major.

It should probably be noted that most of the members on the playing side are appointed, rather than elected, to maintain consistency in the musical direction of the band.

On the Administrative Side

All posts on the administrative side are elected by the band at the AGM. In the event that a member steps down, a replacement should be elected at an EGM by the band, although in some cases the committee may continue without.

• Chairperson: As the name implies, the chairperson chairs committee meetings. Essentially, that is his only job.
• Secretary: Simply put, the secretary's job is "communication". He should be dealing with all external communications, making sure that the band responds to equiries about events promptly, dealing with RSPBA registrations, competition entry fees, child-protection disclosure, and so on. Additionally, he should ensure that the band members are kept informed of what they need to know. The secretary's job is one of the biggest in the band, and probably the one that most often fails to get the recognition it deserves.
• Treasurer: Handles the money. This person should keep track of moneys in and moneys out, ensuring that the band always has the funds it needs, and making sure that we don't over-extend ourselves.
• Travel Convenor: With the band attending several competitions, including a trip to Ireland, and so requiring buses, we have a dedicated Travel Convenor. The role of this person also covers finding a venue for practices, and indeed a replacement venue if the original is closed for any reason. Quartermaster: Handles the uniforms, instruments, and other "physical assets" of the band. This person should be the go-to person for getting new members kitted out, should be the person who recovers outstanding kit from members when the leave, and should keep track of what we have and what we need to continue fielding the band. In theory, the QM should also conduct twice-annual kit inspections, and so should ensure that members are keeping kit in appropriately good condition.
• Representatives: We have a Parent's Rep as a matter of course, and also appoint Piper's and Drummer's Reps as required to bring the committee up to the required strength. As the names imply, the job of the Reps is to speak for their respective constituents, ensuring that any concerns that they have are appropriately addressed.
• Honorary President: Until April 9th of this year, the band also had an Honorary President. The Hon Pres had no particular job, but was appointed for life to reflect many years of long service. It is not expected that we will have another Hon Pres any time soon.
• Fund-raising: Additionally, we have a couple of people who are supposed to coordinate fund-raising activities. In practice, these have ended up being responsible for fund-raising activities, but that's actually not their role. After all, the entire band benefits from funds raised, and so the entire band has a responsibility in this area.

So, the way it should work:

1. A member of the committee recognises that something in their area needs to be dealt with. For example, maybe the QM recognises that we need new drums as the existing ones have become quite old.
2. The member determines specifically what needs to be done, and in what time frame. For example, "we need 6 drums, they'll cost £80 each, and we need them by the start of next season."
3. The committee member brings the issue up at the next committee meeting (or, if it's urgent, calls an immediate meeting to resolve the issue). In particular, if significant amounts of money must be spent (more than £100), this must be voted on by the committee.
4. Once the required action has been authorised, the committee member should proceed to resolve the issue. In the example, the Quartermaster would thus source the required drums, ensure that they are suitable (by speaking to the Lead Drummer), and thus proceed with the purchase. The QM should not need to return to the committee for further authorisation unless the issue turns out to be significantly different from that discussed. (For example, if it turns out we need 8 drums instead of 6, or they cost £120 each, or...)

And that, broadly speaking, is how it should work. The reality is somewhat different... (Oh, and incidentally - the example I used is just that. It doesn't reflect any issue the band is currently having, and shouldn't be read as a metaphor for anything.)

Tom Clancy

Reading "Clear and Present Danger" is an interesting experience. I've seen the film, of course, which I thought was okay but not great. However, as far as I can tell, the novel isn't about Jack Ryan - when making the film, they repurposed it to star Harrison Ford. (Interestingly, I think they did the same with "The Sum of All Fears", despite that not starring Harrison Ford. Why not just cast Ben Affleck as the character who was the actual protagonist of the novel?)

However, that's not the 'interesting' part.

What I'm finding interesting is that Clancy is very obviously a real expert in his subject matter. He clearly knows boats, and the operations of the US Coast Guard, and the nature of military life, and something of politics. There's very definitely an authority to his writing; he knows whereof he speaks.

Unfortunately, it seems that what he doesn't know is how to write.

His characters are all given long and detailed backstories... and very little by way of distinct characteristics. They tend to be defined by their jobs, and all tend to be one-of-a-kind individuals who are near-legendary in their fields. And, curiously, they all seem to have a "beautiful young wife", possibly a couple of lovely children, plus (and this is important) a selection of mistresses. Because that's an important detail - I presume that later in the novel two characters will have a conversation about their respective mistresses. (Perhaps trading them like football stickers - "got, got, need, doubler, got...")

Likewise, his descriptions of mundane events are full of all sorts of fabulous details about how things work, and how the organisations operate. Fantastic. Except that it slows the pace down to a crawl. Oh, and also, when something actually does happen, the details tend to be glossed over rather quickly - presumably because at that point he doesn't know whereof he speaks, and so can't write with the same authority.

It's frustrating - I think there is quite an entertaining story under there, once I wade through all the extraneous detail. But then, it's quite likely that this is one of those cases where the film really is better than the book.

Means Tested Benefits

In principle, all benefits should be means-tested. After all, the government raises a limited amount of money via taxation, and it's better that that goes to those who really need it. In particular, if a person over the age of 60 has not yet retired, they can probably buy their own bus pass.

In practice, if it costs more to perform the means-testing than is saved by performing that check, then it's better to just pay the money out. Call it an efficiency saving.

(It's also worth noting that if you means-test for a benefit, a lot of people will therefore refuse to apply at all, as a point of pride. They don't want to be thought of as a burden on society. However, I'm disinclined to give that argument much weight, especially given the "it costs more than it saves" argument. That said, I'm also inclined to think that people generally shouldn't have to apply for benefits - in general, they should just be sent out as soon as they're eligible. Again, as a matter of principle, although I daresay the practicalities of this make it impossible.)

Not as Good as I Remembered

For my birthday, my various siblings each got me money, which seems like a really dull present, but which actually allowed me to pool all that money and invest in the "Lord of the Rings" and "Harry Potter" blu-ray sets. Which is excellent.

Of the Harry Potter films, I've long considered "Chamber of Secrets" to be my favourite. I also like "Order of the Phoenix" and "Deathly Hallows, Part 2". The rest I generally consider quite flawed - "Philosopher's Stone" is too close to the source material, and so too long, while "Goblet of Fire" and "Half-blood Prince" each compress the story far too much, and so lose a great deal in the translation. "Deathly Hallows, Part 1" is just a waste of two and a half hours. (That leaves "Prisoner of Azkaban", which may well be the best of all, technically speaking. I just found the change in tone a bit too jarring - it wasn't what I expected after CoS, and I've never really cared for it as a result.)

On Saturday night, LC and I sat down and watched the first half of Chamber of Secrets, and I was dismayed to find that it just wasn't as good as I remembered. It's likely a result of seeing them grow up, and thus advance in their craft, but the three lead child-actors are actually quite painful to watch here. And while the story remains excellent, the film just takes too long to get to the point - by the time we gave up and went to bed, Harry had only just found Riddle's book, and by that point we'd already watched 90 minutes, with another hour to go.

It's a real shame. Still, perhaps the other films will have grown on me instead? Indeed, I'll have to give PoA another look, as the tone might fit my more cynical view better...

#23: "Snuff", by Terry Pratchett (excellent book; his best in years. Still, not the book of the year.)

The Princess and the Piper

I'm the one that looks like me.

In case you're wondering, we talked about the band's support for the Seagull Trust, and also the weather.

Three Facts

1) We have a 'moat' at work. Actually, it's a little stream, over which there are two small bridges.

2) Due to extremely heavy rains, the moat flooded today. My shoes are utterly soaked, and I've had to wash both my socks and shoes.

3) I can't post the picture that proves this, for important legal reasons.

Outlook 'help'

I'm a bit confused: what exactly is the point of a Help system that isn't automatically set up when the program is installed, that then takes an age to install when you need it (so that you can Google the answer much more quickly), and that then requires a restart of the PC before it can actually be used (thus forcing you to abandon what you were doing before it can help you do whatever it was)?

Independence Day

I would just like to note that I've been keeping careful watch, and there's been no sign of the aliens taking off from Bonnybridge. Also, Bill Pullman isn't yet president.

So the apocalyptic future so chillingly promised in the film won't be coming true. Well, not this year at least.

(Of course, that's assuming that their predictions weren't superseded by those they made in 2012. But I haven't yet heard any reports of the neutrinos having mutated, so I think we're okay.)

The British Pipe Band Championships 2012

Saturday was my birthday, and I got to spend it in an uncomfortable bus, reading the latest Terry Pratchett novel. Not exactly my ideal day, I'm afraid to say. Still, it could have been worse...

The day started at 6am, which is a totally unacceptable time to be getting up at the weekend. LC and I made ready, and then wandered down to the pick up for the bus. The bus was late, although not unbearably so. And so, we were off to Annan!

On the journey down, I finished off the latest Pathfinder and then started in on "Snuff", which turns out to be a really solid read. And then, a scant two hours later, we were in Annan. Here, we were pleasantly surprised to find that the promised rains were not in evidence, although the field was a bit of a bog.

So, we made ready, we played, and it was okay - probably our best performance of the year. Still, on hearing it played back from the video LC made, I was pretty sure it was not a prize-winning performance.

The rest of the day was the usual tedious waiting. There was one short shower, but otherwise it was a reasonable day. Still, we spent most of the day hiding in the bus and reading.

And then there was the march-past, which seemed to take an age to get started, but which was fairly brisk once we were moving. And, sure enough, the band did not win a prize. In fact, we did rather poorly: 7th and 16th in piping, 11th in drumming, and 14th in ensemble, and 15th overall, out of 17 bands in our grade. (Actually, this was comparable to last year.)

We made our way home, getting in just before 10pm. LC then headed out to get some takeaway, while I got changed. Then we watched the end of the tennis, and that was that.

All in all, a fairly disappointing day. It's also quite dispiriting, in that we're clearly not going to get anywhere this season. Fortunately, there are now only four competitions remaining: the minor at Bridge of Allan, plus the majors in Belfast, Glasgow, and Dunoon. After that, I'm going to be giving some serious thought to the question of whether I want to compete or not next year.

#22: "Pathfinder: Tempest Rising", by Matthew Goodall

Equal Pay for Women Tennis Players

Ah, good. Once again, the arguments over equal pay for women tennis players have been raised.

Now, in a sane universe, it would be simple: men and women should be paid the same money for the same work. Period.

However, in this instance there actually are some sane arguments to be made:

• Firstly, and most obviously, male players play five sets in the major tournaments, while female players play only three.
• As a direct consequence of this, female players can play a couple of additional competitions during the year, and so supplement their income.
• It's also true that tennis is actually unusual in that the female athletes typically do have higher earnings than their male counterparts - they tend to significantly supplement their income by modelling and the like.
• The prize money from the competition comes from audience attendance and TV rights. And, like it or not, the male competition is the bigger draw.

(Of course, there's another argument, which suggests that these are all hugely-paid, extremely priviledged athletes, who have fabulous non-jobs. So, really, arguments over whether they get half a million dollars or a million dollars for two weeks' 'work' are pretty disgusting. But then, it's a matter of principle, so...)

For me, here's what it comes down to: tennis is one of very few sports where the women's game enjoys a comparable profile to the men's. Most sports, if there is a women's competition at all, essentially treat it as a poor cousin - tournaments are held separately, they tend not to be televised, they don't get the same sponsorship, and so on. (Athletics is another fairly egalitarian sport, but tennis has a much higher profile.)

Since tennis is the shining example in this regard, I would argue that it really should take the opportunity to strike the blow for equality across the board.

And so, yes, female competitors should receive the same prize money as the males. That's only right. (And at all competitions, not just the major tournaments.)

But what's also right is that they should compete under the same parameters as the men - that is, best of five sets at the majors. (Alternately, have the men play best of three sets at the majors. Either works, but it should be the same.)

That negates the "they do less" argument, and it also eliminates any argument that they can equalise their earnings by playing more competitions. I don't accept the argument that the women earn more due to modelling and sponsorship as being relevant - that's a side issue (and, anyway, represents extra 'work'). And neither do I accept the "TV rights" argument, as a few years ago the men's game was in a slump (being dominated by the big servers, and so utterly dull) while it was the women's game that was interesting - so that one's swings and roundabouts.

I also don't accept the argument that the men's game is about power/endurance while the women's game is about skill. After all, the entire reason that the Williams sisters dominated women's tennis for so long was precisely because of power. And, of course, that grunting that has so destroyed the women's game is allegedly about power. (Though I suspect that's what we call a 'lie'. These days, it's almost certainly more about getting a psychological edge.)

Fundamentally, though, as long as women get lower prize money or they play fewer sets, the argument will persist from one side or the other. The only way to end it is to equalise both. Conveniently, that's also the right thing to do.

There Are Two Things Nobody Expects...

1. The Spanish Inquisition
2. Zombie Epidemic
3. Snails on the Car

Three things! There are three things nobody expects...

(Yes, this morning when I went out to the car, I found that a snail had taken up residence on one of the wheel arches. Yes, it was just as disgusting as you might imagine.)

The Best Headline Ever

File this one under "things you don't expect", along with the Spanish Inquisition:

On the front cover of the Metro free newspaper there was the ultimate headline: "Zombie Epidemic". I read on with a mixture of trepidation and delight - should I get a shotgun and Queen, or was this about a new film being produced in Scotland?

It turned out the answer was neither. Apparently, the women of Scotland are abusing tranquilisers and sedatives in large numbers.

I don't think I've ever been so disappointed that the apolcalypse isn't upon us.

Why England Will Never Win the World Cup (again)

At the outset: despite the title, this post is neither about England nor is it about football. It's actually about Britain as a whole and... education? priviledge? class? I'm not sure, but it's not about football.

The short version: the reason England will never again win the football World Cup is that they don't really want to.

Now, on the face of it, that's absurd. Go ask any Englishman who follows football at all, and he'll tell you that of course they want to win it. Ask any Englishman involved in the game, and he'll tell you that of course they want to win it. Ask any UK politician in the Tory, Labour or Lib Dems, and he'll tell you that of course they want to win it. (And by all means replace 'man' with 'woman' and 'he' with 'she'.)

But there's a difference between wanting something and wanting something, at least to the point of actually doing something about it. And England don't, and won't.

The thing is, England has a population of about 60 million people. So, even if a world class player is a one-in-a-million commodity, England should have plenty of them to make up a squad.

England have, what, two?

When assembling his side for the Euros, Roy Hodgson had a very small number of players to choose from. He could put together a somewhat decent squad. But the bulk of those who were eligible were, quite frankly, not good enough. And when those who were good enough started to drop out injured, there just wasn't any reserve to call on.

Fundamentally, something is broken at the grass-roots level - young players are not being produced in sufficient numbers and in sufficient quantity. Nothing like it, in fact. Even the "Golden Generation" were never good enough, nor were they numerous enough. Frankly, there should be two or three new players coming through every year, not the dribble currently in evidence.

But why is this? Why is it that Spain can produce seemingly-endless crops of new talent, including the best players in the world? Why does Italy, with massive economic problems, a somewhat dodgy league, and a smaller population, manage to produce where England does not?

And for the answer, look at those sports in which England do excel. And look at the schools attended by the participants. What schools did the England rugby team attend? The cricket team? Our rowers? How many of our Olympic athletes were educated either privately or in otherwise-exclusive schools?

I believe that's the crux of it. In those sports in which England genuinely is at or near the top in the world, it's because the private schools attended by the athletes provide the required training facilities. Football, being the sport of the masses, recruits youngsters who attend our state schools, which have nowhere near the same investment, and so nowhere near the same facilities or training staff.

And the same applies to Scotland, of course. You can bet that if Andy Murray was born in Govan, he wouldn't now be the world #4 in tennis - it's likely the only time he would have picked up a racquet would be to batter someone with it. You see the same thing in piping contests - all the prizes in the junior grades go to private schools. It's just that Scotland will never have any chance at the World Cup, so I don't get that emotive headline. :)

Now, having said that, I'm not convinced that anything should be done about this. After all, football is also a private enterprise. And I don't really want to see massive amounts of taxpayers' money spent on enabling a tiny minority of ill-educated young men become obscenely rich.

But if England really want to win the World Cup, they need to find a way to square the circle. Either get the private schools playing football in preference to other sports (yeah, right), or encourage and allow the big clubs to inject large amounts of money into training facilities for state schools (and supply the training staff, too). Or something.

Because the current strategy - of having kids from poor backgrounds have kick-abouts on ever-shrinking green belt land, when they aren't otherwise engaged in video games or other frivolities, occasionally organised by well-meaning amateurs (hampered, of course, by our much-needed Child Protection systems), and then massively rewarding the tiny minority that make it - yeah, the current strategy isn't working, and never will.

A Note For My Doctor

On Saturday, LC answered the phone and received an automated message from our doctor's surgery. It's rather lucky that she was the one who answered the phone that time.

Here's the thing: when I answer the phone, 90% of the time it's somebody I don't want to talk to. If it's an automated call, I will always hang up as quickly as I realise that that is what it is. And if the first words spoken are "please don't hang up..." or "this is an important message..." then I'll still hang up as quickly as I am able. The advertisers use those words in a vain attempt to persuade us to listen to their garbage, but I refuse.

What this means is that if you have an important message for me, and you must deliver it be telephone, then you must call me in person. A machine cannot do this, at all, ever. Feel free to blame the advertisers for this; personally, I think it's a disgrace. But if it's important, you'll need to recognise the reality that there is literally nothing that a machine can phone to tell me that I am interested in hearing.

And while I'm on the subject of telesales calls: no, I don't believe "Richard" from Mumbai is using his real name. (I recognise the possibility... but in this instance I don't believe it.) In which case, he's opening his call with a blatant and obvious lie - just why would I consider trusting anything he says thereafter, and why would I consider doing business with any company who won't even show me the basic respect of not lying to me in this manner?

#21: "Death of Kings", by Bernard Cornwell (excellent book - the best of the year so far by miles)

Tax Avoidance

I get really quite annoyed when the media talk about Tax Avoidance and Tax Evasion as if they are the same thing. They're really not.

Here's how it works: the government of the day set a number of rules up, determining how we must all pay tax, and also how much we must all pay. And so, we proceed to pay tax by those rules.

Now, if you are rich, and therefore have access to high-powered accountants (and, let's face it, tax havens), then you get to poke around in all those rules, and thus minimise the tax that you have to pay. You're obeying all the rules, but you're avoiding any tax that the government would be quite happy to take, but don't actually require you to pay.

(In other words, if the rules say you must pay £100, then a tax avoider will make sure he pays £100, and not one penny more.)

Meanwhile, there are a second bunch of people who break the rules, and so don't pay the tax that those rules say they must. These people are evading the taxes set by the government.

(In other words, if the rules say you must pay £100, a tax evader will pay £90, or £50, or whatever.)

Those are quite different things - on one hand we have people scrupulously avoiding paying more than the rules say they must, and on the other we have people who are deliberately not paying by the rules.

It is not "morally wrong" for people to use the existing rules to avoid the government taking more money than their own rules say they can. Frankly, what's morally wrong is the government taking any more money than their tax rules say they should - if their rules say they can take £100 and they take £105, how is that not stealing, especially given that they're taking that money against our will, and backed by the threat of force?

Now, I understand that there's a strong moral argument for paying taxes. Equally, there's a strong argument that those who have more should pay more. And, further, there's a strong argument that actually, we should all be paying more. I get that.

But if that's the case, and if the government want people to pay more, then they should change the rules accordingly. If they don't want people paying accountants to find them loopholes to avoid tax, close the loopholes. If they want people to pay more tax, then change the rules so people have to pay more tax.

The government set the rules. If they find that people are using the rules in a way they don't like, they have the power to change those rules.

(Oh, and incidentally, it doesn't matter if those loopholes are "using the rules in a way the government didn't intend". This isn't some game, with polite applause for displaying good sportsmanship. What the law intends is almost entirely irrelevant next to what the law actually says. The powers-that-be really need to start doing a better job writing good laws, and actually reading them before they pass them into law.)

Euro 2012

I've watched very little of Euro 2012, mostly because I've always had something more important to do with my time. And I have no comment on England's performances, since I only saw part of their match against France, in which the French had plenty of possession but didn't seem to have any great ability to apply real pressure on the English goal.

(If I had to guess, I would say that England will probably go out against Italy; they might progress one further step, but I don't see them getting to the Final. Oh, and also, I don't accept the received wisdom that reaching the last 8 amounts to a success, at least at the Euros. If you're serious about being contenders, as England should be, then consistently getting to the semis should be the target. They may have done better than expected, but that's not the same as doing well.)

However, the thing that really bugs me about the Euros, and it's something I'm sure I've mentioned before: why do we persist in letting ITV cover them? They're awful! Between an unfunny host who sounds bored, a panel of 'experts' who are anything but, and commentators who try to walk that fine line between absurd arrogance and outright xenophobia (with intermittent success), watching is just not fun.

And it is specifically ITV that are really poor. The BBC are consistently better. Hell, for coverage of football generally, Sky are leagues ahead.

Please, can we get rid of ITV's coverage in time for the World Cup? Just give it to the BBC in its entirety.

(Of course, now that "Harry Hill's TV Burp" is gone, removing the football from ITV would remove the last reason for ever watching it. But then, is it truly worth having a channel just to watch mind-bogglingly awful coverage of football?)

The first domino topples

At this point, it's largely irrelevant what happens with Rangers on the 4th of July. Whether their newco are admitted to the SPL, or they get demoted to the third division and work their way up, the reality is that they're going to have to spend several years rebuilding. Frankly, if there's any prospect of them winning the league in the next five years, then that's a damning indictment on the level of competition.

There's also little need for Rangers to be punished further. Yes, they've been guilty of grotesque financial mismanagement, and it certainly looks like they've been guilty of other significant wrongdoing... but surely the mess they're in now is adequate punishment - after all, they've lost 140 years of history, they have a club in tatters, and they're facing a very long road back. Is there really a need now to strip them of titles, impose further financial penalties, or dock them points?

Of course, if I'm really honest, I don't really care what happens to Rangers. I have an interest, yes, but it has been a very long time since I have called myself a fan in any sense. And if there has been wrongdoing, as seems likely, then it is right that they suffer as a consequence.

But what concerns me more is that I suspect this is just the first domino to fall. Most of the clubs in the SPL were already under financial pressure, or operating on wafer-thin profits. A less interesting league almost certainly means reduced gate receipts, and while Sky have said they won't walk away, they would be mad not to take this opportunity to renegotiate their deal - after all, who really wants to watch a league with only one contender?

Whether or not Rangers are returned to the SPL next season, I doubt they will be the last club to fall.

This Far, No Further!

I find myself extremely troubled.

I am absolutely convinced that one of the organisations of which I am a member, and some of the finest people that I know (including some I care for very deeply), are on the wrong side of a particular issue. What's more, I feel that I really should be speaking up publicly about the issue (as a matter of principle), but when I got the appropriate post written and ready to go... I just couldn't bear to post it.

There's a storm coming. And I really don't like the look of those clouds.

Prometheus

If you don't want any spoilers, then there are two things you need to know about "Prometheus":

1. It's a prequel, albeit an "indirect prequel".
2. Prequels suck.

Now, in fairness, this second isn't an absolute rule - "X-Men: First Class" was actually very decent. But it holds far more often than not, to the extent that I'm even rather concerned for the fate of "The Hobbit" - sure, the books were published in the other order, but they sure seem to be prequel-ising it, by shoehorning in material and characters from LotR, imposing a similar feel on a very dissimilar tale, and so forth. We'll see, but I'm concerned.

Anyway, "Prometheus" is a very well-made film. It's visually stunning, and if you're determined to see it, go see it on the biggest screen you can. But it's also rubbish - the plot and the characters just aren't there. And I don't mean that they're "not there" in the way that they were pretty basic in "Avatar" (to say the least) - they're "not there" in that if you think about them at all then you'll realise how utterly stupid they are. "Avatar" holds together as a story, in addition to being visually stunning; "Prometheus" does not.

(It's the comparison between Sharapova and Kournikova - both tennis players who make/made more money from modelling than from tennis, but one of them can actually play as well.)

Avoid.

Okay, anyone who doesn't want spoilers should skip down to the next post at this stage.

Still here?

I think what I found most objectionable about the film was just how utterly stupid the characters were. When going into an unknown site on an alien planet, you do not leave the weapons behind, even if it is a "scientific expedition". Even if your atmospheric sensors say the air is breathable, you do not remove your helmet - there may well be airborne pathogens your suit cannot detect. No matter how creepy the dead body is, you do not split the party unnecessarily - now, instead of running around in the creepy dark, you're now running around in the creepy dark alone. To maintain quarantine procedures on the ship, do not open the airlock and then tell people they can't come on board - just tell them they can't come on board!

And it really didn't help that one of the characters, David, does something truly horrible (which is fine), but he does it for no apparent reason whatsoever. It would be fine if the company had a secret agenda to infect the crew and thus gain access to bioweapons (except, of course, that both "Alien" and "Aliens" did that plot). But that wasn't his plan. Basically, he infected the crew for shits and giggles. Good plan!

The problem is, once the characters are so utterly idiotic, it doesn't matter how scary the monsters are - at worst, if they wipe out the crew they're doing the gene pool a favour! Frankly, it's just a shame that there were any survivors at all!

(Speaking of survivors - clearly, the female doctor was supposed to be some sort of Ripley-esque character. But what makes Ripley one of the best female protagonists in sci-fi is that she is a strong, smart character. When presented with awful circumstances, she first survives them, and then in the sequel turns to face her fears head-on. The protagonist in "Prometheus" is only hurt by the comparison - I actually can't remember her name, and can't be bothered Googling it. I think it was Elizabeth something.)

Yeah, this film was 2 hours wasted. And it's a real shame - the trailers looked very promising, and there's clearly the germ of a really good film in amongst all the awfulness. I guess it's just one more film to add to the list of follow-ups they never made to "Aliens".

Oh, Thank Goodness!

Yesterday I finished "The Second Book of Lankhmar", by Fritz Leiber. I had been reading it basically since we got back from honeymoon, and while it was very good in places, I really didn't enjoy the whole.

"The Second Book of Lankhmar" was a compilation of three earlier books, the excellent "The Swords of Lankhmar", "Swords and Ice Magic", and "The Knight and Knave of Swords". These latter two were themselves compilations of short stories and novellas, of distinctly mixed quality.

For the most part, this was just a case of being a series that had gone on too long, and beyond the author's ability to sustain it. However, it was also true that as the series went on, the author really started indulging in... a different kind of fantasy.

Indeed, there were sections of the very last story that were really quite pornographic. (And by that, I don't mean "includes a sex scene", I mean "includes a sex scene that serves no purpose in the plot beyond having a sex scene" - "A Game of Thrones" contains material that is far worse in content, but which is essential to the plot, and so I find it less objectionable. This was just inappropriate... and it was poorly written pornography, to boot.)

Unfortunately, by the time I got to that point I was more than 400 pages into a 694-page book - I wasn't going to be beaten by it!

Anyway, I've now finished, and moved on to something that is (hopefully) a lot better - Bernard Cornwell's latest paperback.

As for Leiber - I recommend reading some of his stories. But don't be tricked into reading all of them, or even all of either of the two "Books" - read some reviews first, and pick out a subset to read from there. He's worth reading... but only in part.

#20: "The Second Book of Lankhmar", by Fritz Leiber

Books to Read

On Tuesday, I printed out a copy of The List, and proceeded to check the books Lady Chocolat has brought with her against this copy. The motive for this should be obvious.

Surprisingly, it turns out that LC brought with her only thirteen books from The List, one of which is "The Complete Works of Shakespeare" (and another of which is actually "Hamlet" - both as part of the above and as a separate book!). Although, I haven't gone through the two Norton Anthologies, so it's possible that a few more entries from The List hide therein.

The other thing that's quite nice is that as a consequence of reading some of these books, I'll then have a couple of additional options opened up. Once I've made it through "Sense and Sensibility", for example, I can then read the parody "... and Sea Monsters" (and likewise for "Jane Slayer").

Anyway, the upshot of all of this is that I now have the next several months' reading sorted out.

#19: "Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic Campaign Guide", by Rodney Thompson, Sterling Hershey, John Jackson Miller, and Abel G. Peña

A Mug Anecdote

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I have a variety of mugs from my many travels. Lady Chocolat despairs, but it is my contention that this is a good thing - it means that when people come to the flat and drink coffee (or, if they're wrong, tea), I can regale them with the appropriate mug anecdote.

And everybody loves a good mug anecdote.

Anyway, over the weekend, LC and I were over at her parents' house, cat-sitting. This was an intensely scary prospect, as the cat is almost ninja-like in her stealth, and prone to pouncing at the slightest provocation.

And yesterday, I travelled to work directly from the house, without going back home first. This meant that everything that I needed had to be taken with me on Saturday.

The key problem, though, is that I have a particular mug that I use for my coffee at work, and it went into the dishwasher on Friday, the dishwasher didn't go on until Saturday, and it wasn't finished in time.

Yes, it's true. At work yesterday, I had to use the wrong mug! And, consequently, my mug anecdotes were out of alignment - I had to tell the tale of Brittany, rather than the tale of Stuttgart. Horrors!

Fortunately, I went home last night and recovered the correct mug. And so, the world is now back in alignment. Ish.

(Admittedly, this story isn't as sad as the "jelly and ice cream" story CJ told me at the weekend, but it's the best I have.)

Advanced Higher Computing

Lady Chocolat's brother had his last ever school exam yesterday, which was Advanced Higher Computing (bet you couldn't have guessed that!). We were over there last night, and I had a read through of the exam paper.

And, bloody hell - I don't think I would have passed that exam!

The paper was split into two sections, with section two further split into three sub-sections of which you had to complete one.

So, I read through the first section before dinner, and it seemed nice and easy. I would probably have gotten near-maximum marks on that one. (Although there was one question that I'm sure didn't actually have an answer, but I'll say no more, just in case.)

But the second section was a beast - there were detailed questions on three computing topics. None of which were all that challenging, but they all relied on specific knowledge that I just don't have to hand. I could probably have scraped up a few points... but even when put together with Section One I'm not sure that would have been a pass.

(Now, that said, if they'd asked about DECT, or intruder detection systems, or perhaps even actual HTML coding, I'd have been golden. It's also extremely likely that I'd have aced any and all coursework. I really ought to, given that that's what I do! Still, the exam was a bit of a shock.)

What I did find amusing, though, is how little the computing taught in schools seems to resemble computing as it actually is in the real world. Of course, I noticed that about univeristy-level computing when I did that - they teach software engineer as, perhaps, it should be... but the real word is a whole lot messier and less controlled. (Just like the French I learned in high school bears almost no relation to the French that is actually spoken in France.)

And of particular interest was that the test expected the student to be able to regurgitate a particular algorithm. Which is fine - I don't know the algorithm off the top of my head, but was able to quickly recreate it from first principles (because I am that good, obviously - or because it's just not that hard). But the thing is that in reality we would never write that algorithm. It's just not something we need to know - because there are well-known libraries that have already done the job for you. In other words, Google is your friend.

(Which isn't to say that they shouldn't teach those algorithms in schools - they need to do something to teach coding, and they need to teach the mindset required to solve the relevant problems. But there is no benefit in expecting students to reproduce the algorithm from memory at exam, because that's just a matter of rote learning. A better question, although a harder one to write, would be to have them develop a new algorithm of some sort, testing their actual ability to code.)

One parting thought: In a couple of months, we'll get the annual bout of the "are standards slipping" discussion, when students are issued with yet another set of record-breaking results. This exam represents at least one data point for a counter-argument. (Of course, it's also the highest-level exam in a science/engineering subject. I daresay Standard Grade Zumba might be a tad easier...)